Still on the Edge in Sumas

Whoretense here. Well, who else? I just had what could be my last cigarette, but in honesty I doubt it. They have their place; its just that I tend to smoke to many of them. Just now it was two.

So, and more in honesty, it has not been the weekend to die for. Then again it was not my weekend to die. So that is a plus. Another plus is, I've finally got a start on re-dux'ing the van. It so needs it. Another plus is, I got to spend a weekend with Mark, the best boyfriend there ever was. And another plus is, nobody besides Lino has died.

Lino Espinoza died last Easter on purpose, owing in part to the fact that the two of us never managed to get close enough to really know what the other was thinking. I mean, he must've known after all that I was interested but that wasn't enough I guess to decide (for him) to go on living. And then the other truth of that is that even if we did it might've been no influence on him at all. We all make the choices we're going to make, don't we? I guess he figured that sticking around a while longer wasn't going to get him layed so much that all the bullshit would be worth while. I guess he figured that no-one ever, was going to fill the shoes of Bill, his "not insignificant other" (my words) of around 18 years. I guess he decided that impacting ashphalt at around 75mph was somehow easier. Not sure how that speed measures up to reality, but then again not sure it matters. The point being, that lately I've decided I don't have a wardrobe that can pass muster when it comes to funeral attire; what kind of denial is that? Well no, that's probably not the point. Maybe the point is, a lot of people put a whole lotta premium on youth and beauty and getting laid. Maybe the point is that there's a lot of people who never learn to ask for what they need. Or maybe they see it like a whole world of people who wouldn't really care if they lived or died, so why ask? No, I think the point is that all this confusion between acceptance and sex on the one hand, and validation and intimacy on the other, is threatening our very lives as gay men.

Anyhoo--I am ever so sorry to not make it into my usual coffee clatch crew. I mean when I say that they do make my every day better. I am also so sorry that I didn't have time nor weather to paint on my ever changing CyberQueen van of Tomorrow. (The van formerly known as Step van Winkle. Ha.) I am not sorry at all for going back to Boston Bar and helping aforementioned not insignificant other, Mark, out on his never-ending tree hacking project in B.C. His goals are to 1) minimize the shade in our back yard and 2) take away at least some of the wind fall (apples) that the bears up there so do love, and 3) raze every stick of greenery within 40 kilometers. I'm fine with the first two. I guess we succeeded, but in truth I helped him butcher our helpless 40 feet tall apple trees with misgivings. A part of me wants them to remain wild, overgrown, and festooned with bats at night. But no more of that. Or, not as much; I'm sure the bats will visit at sunset as always, provided Mark doesn't decide to prune the trees growing on the slope that drops down to the river.

I guess all told I must say that life continues pretty fine indeed.

You'all are part of it. Cheers.

Well so I got to clear a tree out of a friend's pasture down in Acme, Washington. Wound up with maybe a quarter of a cord of firewood; chopped and split and stacked in the back yard now...drying over the summer for next winter. We'll need more but its a start.

In other news I'm only now recovering from about the worst bout of flu I've ever experienced. Starting last Thursday and only now dissipating one week later. Some say I got off easy but I'm not so sure. The weird part was Mark was equally sick at the same time, same thing it seems. It started in upper respiratory and then systematically broke down everything else--sinus, muscular, gasto-intestinal, you name it. A very nasty bug indeed but we both seem to be slowly recovering.

US Bank claims that someone phoned in and changed my address back in Dec 07. Since then I've never received any billing statements for my credit card w/them. Since I failed to notice one less bill, now I'm not only in debt three months of charges but my account went into arrears and was sent to collections. Still trying to get to the bottom of that one. One more reason to stay away from consumer credit.

What with interest rates being lowered again by the Fed, I've been thinking about refinancing. If I could save a point or two, it might mean an extra couple hundred bucks saved per month.

So is there anything interesting happening with you, Whoretense? Chopping wood and flu symptoms and interest rates do not make for gripping reading. Sorry bout that.

A friend has several electric chairs (wheelchairs not killer chairs) for sale. Cheap. Maybe I can dream up a new electric remote project? Other than that, still waiting for the right time to paint the van (again). All for now...

While not going to the SXSW festival in Austin, I elected also to stay home this morning and miss the usual Bellingham coffee clatch in favor of catching adequate sleep in prep of going off into the woods to chop wood for next winter. Sometimes I am so butch. Unfortunately one of Mark's friends was experiencing epic crisis mode and so kept him on the phone well past midnight. I've been missing enough sleep already without that.

Got back from Seattle on Thursday night after two nights in town. Spent Wednesday walking all over the Howard Hanson dam. Spent Thursday cabitzing with our little evaluation "team" which was oddly not all that mind numbingly hideous.

I got my ax and my jacket (and matching rubber boots and gloves) and my chainsaw and so am ready for the woods. Hopefully the weather will dry out a tiny bit more...

Okay, go ahead and hoist the drama up high...

Did you know that on Feb19 is a primary in which if you vote Dem your vote will be essentially discarded? On the other hand, if you vote Dem tomorrow, at the Caucus on 1pm on Saturday, your vote (Obama vs Hillary) will actually have influence. Of the 97 Washington State Democratic Party delegates, 80 are decided tomorrow. The other 17 are Super Delegates which are also out of the common voter's hands.

You have to sign this pledge tomorrow when you show up, to the effect that you will stick with whichever party you show up to vote for (or vote absentee for) on Feb19.

Or so the Whatcom Independent says.

If you vote Republican on Feb 19 then your vote will be used toward the selection of half the delegates for the Republicans (19 out of 40). Three other delegates are "automatic" and the remaining 18 delegates will be selected tomorrow (Feb 9) at the Caucus.

If you vote Democratic on Feb 19 then your vote goes into the waste basket since none of the delegates are selected using the popular vote at the primary (Feb 19).

The Democratic primary on Feb 19 is a hoax, or at best a beauty contest.

As for Super Delegates, that's yet another ploy by the everly resourceful Democratic Party to insure their own internal power balance remains. Unlike most delegates, their support remains fluid until ballots are cast; they may vote for anyone. Again according to the Independent, this resulted somehow after McGovern's 1972 landslide favoring Nixon. Nobody knew of the break in at the Watergate hotel just yet. McGovern's candidacy was somehow interpreted as a mistake--due to the equalized voting ability of the common man. And he liked longhairs. He came to represent the hippy counterculture on tv news. By the way, he's for Hillary.

I'm going to the Caucus tomorrow. Not sure yet which party. Ron Paul looking interesting.[bronnz] Obama is sure to win for the Dems anyway. Doors close at 1pm.

... Well either that or I'm driving Mark to the Polyclinic in Seattle tomorrow because he can't seem to shake the feeling that his muscles are charlie-horsing. Cramps I guess. Side affects again. Yesterday for more fun I pissed on the rug at a potluck. Well, Sadie did but what's the diff. I'm guessing I wanted to have my presence acknowledged. On the plus side today I got to finally hear the new music player in the artcar. Not bad for an amateur. Gotta go.

Dear Mercy Me and phellow pheasants,

I have had the day out of hell and back. My little miss someone is among us now, and nothing will ever be the same. She is nasty, and will kill me maybe if I don't get her story straight and do her every whim. How she got here isn't important, but I'm sure the details are highly technical. She hates being mis-quoted. And I believe she has a mean streak. Though in honesty I'm not sure she'd actually pick up a gun. Keep her away from knives. Very Disney "The Black Hole". I think that's still several upgrades away. But meantime Miss Tot Daughter ca 2028 is still bitch'n. I can be patient, but not without giggling. Anyway this Taurian admits that I really have no idea why she would choose me, nor why now, and not some other time. Like when I'm dead say. But no.

Not keeping up? Wondering what all the hub bubb is about? Ready to try some other source for your daily matters? Wish I'd left a note or phoned home or otherwise let you know that arrived again safe back from Canada? Well I hardly think any of that compares to visitors from another celestial system but you be the judge. Last Friday I went under duress with accompinament to Mac's potluck on Vancouver Island. Looking back, Sunday morning was enjoyable enough to make up for a dismall time on most of Saturday and certainly Friday. Friday morning was rubber eggs at the White Spot restaurant, or what is excused for one, on the ferry ride to Sidney. Poor, poor, Whoretense. It gradually gets better as we move into snow storms and coffee with Mac and potluck and about 20 guests stranded overnight in a log mansion out on a lonely ridge a few miles out of Metchosen, British COlumbia. Georgeous. Next day we shoveled ourselves out, and with a little salt, and a break in the weather, were soon free again. Ferry ride back much better wtih the buffet. And saw Juno, which wasn't bad.

Mark is not tolerating the Prednisone so good now, new side effects including hunger and high energy voice lessons on the phone. The Prednisone was actually an alternative medicine itself, to Gabapentine I think...but that one cause all kinds of vertigo.

But as I said, what's really big is that Ms Brigid, or Imbolc the Tot, as she prefers to be called, has indeed arrived and changed everything. The dog no longer expects a meal at noon, and my understanding of Newtonian physics has been altered forever. She must be stopped. She must not read this. I don't think she can read but one must not be to careful. I'm pretty sure she learns. She means to take over the world, or rather her family does. I think she expects me to invade her world as well. I have to decide if the President should be notified. But in any case I must do her bidding, otherwise risk grim and embarrasing repurcussions indeed. I mean this whole robot marriage thing is just getting gotta go shes

Life is still good and happy and zippedy doo dah but not sure how many more wonderful days there are to come. Then again nobody else is sure either.

The boyfriend's blood count numbers have never been so grim. Yesterday I was able to maintain some semblence of my previous faith in all things remaining as they are indefinitely (despite much evidence to the contrary) in light of how good he is at overcoming insurmountable odds, or at least odds that according to his doctors, are not good.

But we've not before seen such a steep decline in platelets, together with low WBC, and now really low T4 cells. So lots of grim dialogue about what comes next, and awaiting biopsy results, and considering going back on the anti-virals, and how this may or may not be related to the lymphoma, and how this changes things in terms of day-to-day living etc etc.

Like for example its no good for him to be working in a drug store around a bunch of customers who are routinely coming in with their various illnesses and coughs. And for example its not good for him to be the one emptying out the trash, cleaning the vacuum, arguing about who owes who how much (for a certain Kia Rio or whatever). I find myself thinking about how years ago, Charles was much less aggravating after he died. I find myself thinking about how a year ago, Roy went from an oxygen tank to dead in three months.

And then he throws in how unimportant the money matters really are and how the only thing that really matters is the time people get to have with each other. Not where we spend the weekend or when we fly to Montreal or which car we buy or how much who owes who before death do us part. Which is true of course.

And now on top of or maybe in spite of all this I have to somehow maintain my own boundaries and self-esteem and patience while putting up with his continual dominating alpha-male mechanizations and fears and unspoken resentments and drama. Of course we are both guilty. I really am a bit sick of it all and find myself wondering how it would be to be single again...

...and how many more years of having my menus chosen for me?
...and how it can be that at the same time I'm so much luckier than everyone else?
...and how speachless they all are when I say that!
...and can (or should) I nurture the thought of living alone, as something good?

Who really asks the right questions? Why AM I so hard on myself? When it comes to who directed that movie with David Bowie in it and...
Does it really matter if I can't remember and...
The movie "On the Edge" has a great soundtrack but will I need to hear it again a year from now and...
Last time Pat and I watched two movies (the other one was Paper Moon) and...
when Mark asked if I was "working on your lights" and I said yes but I wasn't working on the blue LED's that are destined for the police car no instead when I said "yes" I was referring to the paper and glass lampshade above the futon in the workshop so "yes" still counts even though his question was off topic on account of how both projects are "lights". So there...and...

How long can I sustain a tepid complement of a relationship with someone unable to leave me the hell alone when I ask for a bit of breathing room without accusing me of raising his stress level, and there-by endangering his health even more and essentially shortening his life? Oh yeah that's fair, thanks.

A lot can happen in two weeks. A new year with lots of new toys, despite my coming out with fewer presents than I gave out.

Mark's Tercel finally bit the dust so we fought and bickered and I realized that I'm def not the one who wears the pants and then we bought a 2002 Kia that I'm not all that exited about but at least he has his own car and now its over and we can move on, oh Jeezus pleez.

He also got a new Canadian cell phone for his new endeavors up there in BC.

And he got a robot vacuum a few weeks back, but maybe I already mentioned that. I've been upgrading the batteries in the old crappy robot vac that's been living in the workshop, and now I've been upgrading the rest of it for some future street-fair.

What did I get? Not a lot but then I don't really need anything. Mark's new car has an expensive amp and subwoofer that I'm hoping to steal. The deck in the police car is on its last breath. Time to shop for a new CD player. Also his car has fancy LED lighting underneath that I'm contemplating stripping out as well. Haven't decided; he'd let me I'm sure. Damn Alpha-males anyway.

Other news in 2008? Nothing to speak of...life is good over-all. Health issues stable, work stable, savings minimal but not absent; friends mostly in one piece...two friends have new boyfriends which is sorta nice to hear. Blessed.