Everything I know I learned from Talk Radio(tm)

January, February, March 1998 

Who are these people? and Did they really say that?

On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
JANUARY 5:  Hong Kong health authorities have carried out an unprecedented slaughter of 1.4 million chickens, ducks, geese, and other poultry as well as mounting a mass disinfection campaign in farms, markets, and poultry farms.  Their stated reason is to stop the spread of an avian flu, designated Influenza A (H5N1), that had suddenly acquired the never-before-seen ability to directly infect humans. So far there have been 14 confirmed cases in humans, of whom 4 have died, an alarming death rate of more than 28%.

"Independent", i.e., not Republican, talk radio host Mike Reagan, however, tells us that this "public health scare" is only a cover story for the real reason behind the chicken slaughter: it's a "massive government conspiracy to help Tyson foods."

Just for fun, let's try to reconstruct his paranoid reasoning, starting with the true Clinton-hater's core belief that Bill Clinton is the evil mastermind behind everything that happens in the world.  Given that core belief,  it's obvious that the Chinese government, in exchange for American nuclear secrets, forced Hong Kong to slaughter the chickens so they would have to import them from Tyson foods, which is (here's the clincher) based in Arkansas!  Where Bill Clinton was governor!  And which contributed to Bill Clinton's re-election campaign!  See? See? Everything's connected to Clinton! There, that was easy, wasn't it?  All you have to do is suspend all rational thought processes and you too can spew paranoid conspiracies just like Reagan!

Is Reagan a congenital liar? Or just stupid?
JANUARY 5:  "Independent" and innumerate talk radio host Mike Reagan is annoyed that Clinton is claiming credit for bringing the federal budget into near-balance.  Reagan says Clinton had nothing to do with decreasing federal deficits: "it's only when you get a Republican congress that the budget started started to come back into balance."

Time to haul out the almanac for some fact-checking...
Ok, here are the facts:
The federal deficit went down every year of Clinton's presidency.
For the first two years of Clinton's presidency (the 103d Congress), the Democrats were in control of both the Senate and the House.

So Reagan is wrong again.  Is anyone surprised anymore?

Leaving hardly any time for killing chickens in Hong Kong
JANUARY 21:  Rush Humbert Humbert Limbaugh III says of President Clinton and infidelity: "it's a daily or weekly part of the president's personality."

Humbert's show is sponsored by the Fonix Game.

Sex tips from a toe-sucker
JANUARY 29: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur and Republican dirty trickster Floyd Brown are on the air together, snickering and laughing over Dick "Toe Sucker" Morris's KABC interview where he speculates about Bill and Hillary Clinton's sex life.

Wilbur is somewhat sympathetic to Hillary's defense of her husband: "Put yourself in Hillary's thick, wide shoes - what would you do?"

Wilbur's show is sponsored by AT&T Wireless.

Conservatism = Big Boobs - so says a big boob
JANUARY 29:  Official KVI Radio Rabbi Lapin is sharing more of his deep understanding of women.  "Women with men in their lives, strong, worthwhile men, are content, happy, satisfied."  But when they don't have men, or worse, have "weak" men, "they turn to the government" and become liberals.  His advice to such women? "Put your bras back on."  But even if they do, he's not impressed: "they probably need wonder bras."

Thanks for the (false) memories
JANUARY 30:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur has disgruntled ex-FBI agent and fabulist author of Unlimited Fantasies Gary Aldrich on the show.  Wilbur gushes over Aldrich: "thanks for everything you've done" and "let us know when you new book is out and we'll have you on."

Gotta disinfect the radio again
JANUARY 30:  Talk radio host Ken Hamblin, the self-styled "Black Avenger", says that Patricia Ireland and the N.O.W. are "clawing like bacteria, like ebola at the side of a Petri dish" in defending President Clinton.

A hostage in his own mind
FEBRUARY 3:  A piqued Rush Hostage Limbaugh III announces that he's discontinuing his long-time "Special Edition: America Held Hostage" program taglines.  Why?  "Americans obviously don't believe they're being held hostage, the dolts!"

Hostage's show is sponsored by Ricoh copiers.

Just like he wakes up everyday
FEBRUARY 3:  Rush Hydrophobia Limbaugh III is railing against the complacency of the vast majority of Americans who aren't frothing at the mouth in rage at President Clinton, like Limbaugh is.  He warns us that, one day, such people are going to "wake up, stunned!"

Hydrophobia's show is sponsored by Ameritrade.

I want some of what he's smoking
FEBRUARY 3:  Rush Hemp Limbaugh III is off in a psychotic fugue today, ranting that one "can't smoke cigarettes in two states in this country!" and "In California and New York, already you can't smoke!"

Hemp's show is sponsored by Ricola cough drops (what do they put in those things?)

Anal cyst talking
FEBRUARY 4:  Rush Hemorrhoid Limbaugh III's inflamed anal cyst must be providing today's metaphor inspiration as Limbaugh rants: "This president is farting on the constitution!" and "This president is using the constitution for toilet paper!"

Hemorrhoid's show is sponsored by Invesco.

On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 4:  Rush Handheld Limbaugh III explains that Russian President Yeltsin's stern message discouraging President Clinton from attacking Iraq is actually part of President Clinton's fiendish plan to distract the media and public from the Lewinsky scandal.

Today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour is sponsored by Blanchard Precious Metals.

How about the Ronald Reagan National Debt?
FEBRUARY 6:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur's guest Grover Norquist is discussing his national crusade to rename public buildings, bridges, airports, whatever, after Ronald Reagan.

Beware the bankrupt who offers you financial advice
FEBRUARY 8: Official Radio Rabbi Lapin, who went bankrupt twice a few years ago, is "ashamed by the economic ignorance of people" who give President Clinton any credit for the good and improving economy.

Revisionist Exodus - discuss among yourselves at your next Seder
FEBRUARY 8:  Official Radio Rabbi Lapin tells us to ignore all those verses in Exodus that detail how the Egyptians enslaved the Israelites and "made their lives bitter with hard bondage, and morter [sic], and in brick, and in all manner of service in the field".  Not to mention Pharaoh's edict to kill all the male children of the Israelites.  No, says Lapin, "they weren't slaves in the image of whips and overseers, because tax collectors were established."  So all that picturesque language of toil and suffering and beatings in the Bible is just a metaphor for the vampiric depredations of the taxman.

What's sauce for the goose
FEBRUARY 8:  Official Radio Rabbi Lapin is clucking over the disproportionate number in male versus female births in China.  While he is musing on the drastic consequences this will have in the future, a caller suggests the adoption of the Tibetan practice of polyandry - the marriage of one woman to several men.   Lapin recoils from this suggestion in horror, saying "it isn't going to work - all through human recorded history you don't find a stable society based on polyandry."  He's wrong, of course.  Polyandry has for thousands of years been a respectable and desirable practice in Tibet, particularly among the more wealthy landed class and aristocrats.  Lapin's ignorant response is nothing but a bigot's reflexive refusal to face facts that contradict his warped beliefs.

On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 10:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan's guests are Mike Levin of the Scaife-funded Landmark Legal Foundation and Larry Klayman of  Scaife-funded Judicial Watch.  Today's conspiracy under discussion is that Mary Caitlin Mahoney, a young woman who had been a Clinton White House intern, was murdered in 1997 while working in a Georgetown Starbucks.   Was her murder ordered by President Clinton because she knew too much?  Well, Levin cites a report that Monica Lewinsky told Vernon Jordan that she "didn't want to end up like Caity Mahoney."  Klayman chips in that Mahoney's murder was "an execution-style killing."

Brrrr! Pretty chilling stuff, if true.  But is it?  After some research, the only source for the Lewinsky quote appears to be the January 23 issue of an email newsletter popular with the Clinton-hater crowd titled "Strategic Weekly Briefings."  The problem is, the article says the quote was provided by anonymous sources.  Is this quote credible?  Let's do a paranoia check with right-wing conspiracy website  NewsMax.com - they've printed several of these Strategic Weekly Briefings articles, and they're willing to believe any conspiracy theories involving President Clinton.  Hmm, a February 16 article says "NewsMax.com has been unable to confirm reports that Lewinsky once told a White House friend [Vernon Jordan], 'I don't want to end up like Caity Mahoney.'"  So while this anonymous quote isn't considered credible for a Clinton-hater website, Reagan, Levin, and Klayman are perfectly willing to serve it up as fact to their talk radio audience.

Reagan's daily Scaife-funded conspiracy hour is sponsored by Merrill Lynch.

But wait, there's more! On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 10:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan's and his guest,  Larry Klayman of  Scaife-funded Judicial Watch, are discussing "Filegate," the purported acquisition of FBI background files on Republicans for nefarious purposes by the Clinton White House.  They say President Clinton is using the files as blackmail to "take down" any Republican who dares to investigate him.  Apparently these Republicans include Richard Mellon Scaife, because Klayman says his "clients are terrified as to what's in the files!"

Fast Forward to March, 2000: Whitewater Independent Council Robert Ray releases the final report on "Filegate."  It states, "The investigation disclosed no credible evidence establishing that Mr. Marceca, or any high-level Clinton Administration official or Mrs. Clinton, engaged in criminal activity in obtaining confidential FBI background reports related to individuals who no longer required access to the White House."  Another juicy conspiracy pops like a soap bubble when the truth finally comes out.  Too bad that American taxpayers had to pay millions to dispel the lies paid for by Richard Mellon Scaife and spewed by Reagan and his ilk.

Reagan's daily Scaife-funded conspiracy hour is sponsored by Nextel.

Clinton-hater? KVI?
FEBRUARY 17:  Republican talk radio station KVI plays a station promo set in a grand jury room where President Clinton is supposedly testifying.  In it, a judge says: "President Clinton, what have you got to say for yourself?"  The reply is a clip from Forrest Gump: "Stupid is as stupid does."

This Clinton-hating moment is sponsored by Geico car insurance.

Wilbur the appeaser
FEBRUARY 18:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur is not impressed by the Administration's case for taking military action against Saddam Hussein to enforce the U.N. mandate for weapons inspections laid out by Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, and Secretary of State Madeline Albright at a townhall meeting in Ohio.  His opinion of the threat posed by Saddam?  "The three stooges were up on stage today telling us we have to go to war."

Wilbur's appeasement of Saddam is sponsored by Interwest bank.

Hail Comrade Rush! Resolutely struggle to crush the racist war-monger fascists!
FEBRUARY 19:  Rush Hegel Limbaugh III praises the protesters at the Ohio townhall meeting who chanted anti-war slogans, heckled,  and shouted down the speakers.  He says the protesters are the "people who make this country work!"   His opinion echoes that of "News & Letters", a newspaper whose publisher is "an organization of Marxist-Humanists who stand for the abolition of capitalism, whether in its private property or state property form."

Comrade Rush's proletariat-inspired dialectic is sponsored by Bose Radio, which "makes this show sound terrific!".

Reagan the appeaser AND On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 19:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan is also unimpressed by the Administration's case for taking military action against Saddam Hussein to enforce the U.N. mandate for weapons inspections laid out by Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, and Secretary of State Madeline Albright at a townhall meeting in Ohio.   He was especially convinced of the evil of U.S. intervention in Iraq by a question asked at the townhall meeting by Jon Strange, one of the protesters and member of the Columbia Coalition for Democratic Foreign Policy.

Reagan repeats the anti-war argument behind the question: if President Clinton is using enforcement of U.N. sanctions to justify attacking Iraq, why doesn't President Clinton bomb Indonesia, which has not complied with U.N. resolutions requiring it to end its occupation of East Timor?.  In other words, if the U.S. doesn't use armed force to enforce all U.N. resolutions, it would be hypocritical to enforce any U.N. resolutions with armed intervention.

Besides, says Reagan, President Clinton, Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, Secretary of State Madeline Albright, and everybody else in the Administration are "lying about the Iraq threat to cover up the sex scandal."

Reagan's appeasement of Saddam and conspiracy-mongering about President Clinton is sponsored by Janus mutual funds.

First use of the Chickenhawk argument
FEBRUARY 19:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan's guest, Colonel (ret) David Hackworth, says that Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, and Secretary of State Madeline Albright have no moral authority to put our troops at risk in Iraq.  Why?  "Two of them are draft dodgers and one a protester."

Reagan the appeaser
FEBRUARY 23:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan has another reason why picking on Saddam Hussein is unfair: "We haven't held accountable the countries that sold the weapons to the country we're bombing."  While true, holding such countries accountable might make a lot of Republicans - including his father - uncomfortable.

Reagan the appeaser
FEBRUARY 25:  "Independent" talk radio host Mike Reagan compares Saddam Hussein with President Clinton, saying "the only difference between them is that Saddam kills people and [President] Clinton doesn't, but there are people who would disagree with that."

Reagan's appeasement of Saddam Hussein and smear of President Clinton is sponsored by Honda.

Clinton-hater? KVI?
FEBRUARY 28:  Republican talk radio station KVI plays another station promo: "Bubba Clinton testifies before the grand jury," followed by another Forrest Gump-like clip: "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."

This Clinton-hating moment is sponsored by Select Comfort beds.  They have a special promotion running - buy now and get a free set of (shudder) Rush Limbaugh pillows.

Take his children, please
MARCH 1:  Official Radio Rabbi Lapin says laws against child abuse are useless because the government can't bring about "heaven on earth" and it's not worth protecting abused children if a "functional family" or "religious family" might be harmed by government interference.  He doesn't explain how a family with abused children can still be considered "functional."

"Religious" families, of course, have long struggled under the heavy yoke of a satanic secular government that forces them to vaccinate their children rather than relying on faith healing provided by the "laying on of hands" over the airwaves by a televangelist.  Not to mention all those godless laws against beating your child to expel demons, polygamy, forced child marriage, and - Rabbi Lapin's particular complaint - the illegality of selling your child into indentured servitude.

Clinton-hater?  KVI?
MARCH 9:  Republican talk radio station KVI plays another station promo: "Sure, the President said it last night, but will he mean it in the morning?"

How true
MARCH 10:  Republican talk radio station KVI plays another station promo: "News and views you won't get anywhere else."  I would add: "outside of a psycho ward."

Hey! Lookit the freek!
MARCH 11:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur informs the blind members of his audience that Mikhail Gorbachev has a "big, ugly, raspberry birthmark on his head."  The rest of the world already knew this, but felt it was unkind to point and laugh at an unfortunate person with a birth defect.

Wilbur's compassionate observation is sponsored by Nextel.

Nixon doesn't make the cut, either
MARCH 13:  Republican talk radio station KVI plays another station promo consisting of stirring patriotic music under sound bites of Presidents Reagan, Bush, Roosevelt, and Kennedy to show that KVI "loves America."   Note the conspicuous absence of any recent Democratic presidents that aren't conveniently dead.  Plus, the inclusion of Roosevelt is odd, given that practically every minute of their broadcasts is dedicated to destroying the institutions like Social Security and unemployment insurance that Roosevelt created.

Wilbur's Last Stand
MARCH 24:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur is sick of the constant whining of Native Americans - oh, wait - he says there's "no such thing as an aboriginal American or a Native American."  Well, whoever those people living on Indian reservations are, he's got no sympathy for their concerns, saying: "We've been here for 500 years, pal! Get over it!"  And as for all those genocidal actions against them like smallpox-infected blankets, the odd massacre of women and children, and the Trail of Tears: "Historic wrongs are not going to be righted - you need to relax."

Wilbur's support for genocide is sponsored by The Original Conservative Coffee Company, makers of the Ronald Reagan blend.  Their slogan is "Coffee that's taking America back!"  Back to the good old days when the only good Indian was a dead Indian?  No thanks.

Racist? Moi?
MARCH 24:  Rush Hector Limbaugh III says President Clinton's trip to Africa is "advanced jury tampering" for juries in Washington D.C. and Little Rock, Arkansas, then says "you can't help making jokes about this - everybody's thinking this stuff, I just say it!"  .

Hector's show is sponsored by Sprint PCS.

Return of The Two Minute Hate
MARCH 27:  Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur revives his "Two Minute Hate" feature on Friday mornings.  Wilbur kicks off The Two Minute Hate by working himself and his audience up into a red-faced frenzy about some "liberal" atrocity, usually masterminded by President Clinton.  He then turns over the microphone to his enraged callers and lets them build a wave of righteous fury against Goldstein, er, Clinton, ENEMY of the PEOPLE!!!.

Wilbur had stopped performing the Two Minute Hate soon after the Oklahoma City bombing, apparently concerned that some people might have been taking this whole hate-mongering thing too seriously.  He is seemingly no longer concerned about that.  Confession - Wilbur actually calls his feature "Rant and Rave," but since it seems to be all rant and no rave, my term is more truthful.

Wilbur's Two Minute Hate is sponsored by Kaufman's Big and Tall shop.  Is that where Big Brother shops?

All that money from Scaife down the toilet
MARCH 28:  A few days ago, Rush Handkerchief Limbaugh III had read approvingly from Dick Morris's New York Post article ridiculing Robert Bennet for asking that Paula Jones' lawsuit against President Clinton be summarily dismissed.  Today, the judge agreed with Bennet and dismissed the case, restoring America's faith in the judiciary and showing yet again how full of shit Morris is.

Republican talk radio host Michael Reagan, not previously know for supporting feminism,  is dismayed by the dismissal, saying it "set back the women's movement by years."    Actually, all it set back was the right-wing conspiracy trying to drive a twice-elected president from office.  Now that Jones' case is dismissed, no reasonable person would continue a paranoid obsession with Monica Lewinsky's testimony in the case.

Handkerchief's show is sponsored by Snapple, the "official beverage" of his show.
Reagan's show is sponsored by the Conservative Coffee Company, the "Coffee that's taking America back!"

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