Change is Scary
Violence comes in many forms -- hitting or punching, constant put-downs, and even sexual abuse by your partner. No matter how many times you have been told "it’s all your fault," the truth is that no one deserves to be beaten or treated badly. While every woman’s situation is different, there are things you can do to protect yourself and your children. What are some ways you can make yourself safe? The thought of making a change can be frustrating, especially if you don’t know what to do. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Some of these suggestions may work for you.
Planning for your safety · Pack a bag in advance and leave it at a friend or neighbor’s house. Include an extra change of clothes and shoes for you and your children. Take some favorite toys or playthings. · Hide an extra set of car and house keys outside the house in case you have to leave quickly · Keep a list of emergency telephone numbers with you.
· Gather together important papers such as: · If you are an immigrant and are married to your abuser, gather additional documents that will show the validity of your marriage, such as:
· passport/visa/immigration-related papers · Set aside any extra money you can save. If you can, open a bank account in your name, or try to get a joint checking account with the abuser. · Call a domestic violence hotline and ask them for help. By having someone to talk to, you can learn about your rights and the choices you can make. · Think about where you would go if you decided to leave your house. There are also legal ways for the court to tell the abuser to leave your home. The resource listing in this book can help you figure out what is best for you.
Leaving the house · If you need to leave the house, take the important papers listed above, keys, telephone numbers, and money. · Sometimes people will surprise you when you ask for help. Is there someone you can stay with until you feel safe and have time to think about what you want to do? · If you do not have someplace safe to go, emergency shelter or safe houses may be available for you and your children. See the list of resources in this book for telephone numbers. · If you leave, take your children with you. Stay with a woman friend or relative. Staying with a man who lives alone might cause problems for you and your children later on – however, do not let this stop you from protecting yourself in an emergency.
Going to the emergency room or the hospital · Take good care of yourself – you deserve it. Ask the hospital to make a record of your injuries, even if you don’t feel safe telling the hospital staff how you were hurt. The records could help you later if you decide to go to court. · If you feel safe, tell the hospital staff exactly what happened to you and how you were hurt. · If the abuser is with you, try to be alone with the hospital staff. · You might want to take a friend with you for support.
Calling the police If you have been beaten or threatened, you can call 911. The police will come to your home. They can come into your home at your request or if they see that you have been hurt. You can also call the police hours after you have been abused and even the next day. However, if you are at all uncertain about your immigration status, you should not discuss immigration-related matters or show immigration papers to the police until you have consulted with an immigration lawyer. · When the police arrive at your house, show them any no contact, protection, or restraining order that you have. · The police must tell you about your legal rights. · The police can give you and your children a ride to a hospital or safe place. They can go with you to your home to get clothes, medicine and other important items. · The police must listen to you and take a written statement. · Tell the police what happened and ask them to write it down. Have them take pictures of your injuries. · The police must give you a list of resources in the community that you can call for help and information. · Be sure to write down the officers’ names and badge numbers. This information can be important if you have any questions about what happened. The police understand that you are concerned about your safety. · Ask the police to take any evidence that shows you have been hurt, such as torn or bloody clothing, broken objects, weapons, and the names and numbers of any witnesses. · If you are leaving your home you can ask the police to wait until you pack your things. · If you are deaf, hard of hearing, or do not speak or understand English, ask the police for a qualified interpreter. If the abuser is taken to jail, he or she may be released quickly. Once arrested and taken to jail, the abuser may be able to post bond and get out of jail. Be prepared -- the abuser may get out of jail within a few hours. To help you better plan for your safety, you can check with the jail to see if the abuser will be released.
Counseling, advocacy, and support groups Living with an abusive partner can be scary and confusing for the whole family. If your closest friends or family do not know how you really feel, or understand why you are still in the relationship, it may be hard to ask for help. However, sharing your story with a counselor, community advocate, or other women, begins to connect you with other people who can ease your loneliness and shame. You will get understanding, support, and information. For places to call that can help you and your children, see the resource list in this book.
Getting an order for protection You can get an order for protection from the court that will tell the abuser to do certain things. You do not need a lawyer and you don’t have to call the police if you want a protection order. You may also need a protection order even if you already have a restraining or no contact order. If you are married to the abuser, you do not have to file for divorce to get protection. You do not have to have legal immigration status to get a protection order.
Domestic Violence Prevention Act (DVPA) The DVPA is a law to protect family or household members from physical or sexual harm and assault, or the threat of physical harm and assault by one’s intimate partner.
Family or household member means: Where do you go? · To get a protection order, go to any court in the County where you live or last lived with the abuser. · There are people called advocates who will help you fill out the paperwork and appear with you at the court hearing. You can get help from legal advocates in the Court or at local domestic violence programs. · You have the right to an interpreter if you need one, to fill out the paperwork and go with you to court. · The clerk of the court must give you forms to file with the court. It does not cost anything to get a protection order. What will happen? · When you file the paperwork, a hearing for a temporary order may be held right away if you are in immediate danger. This order lasts 14 days. · Another court hearing for an order that is good for a longer time will be held within 14 days.
· Before you go to court for your protection order, t he legal advocate will help you decide what information is needed and how to get it. Some things you may need for court are:
· At the hearing, the judge can: · The protection order is good for the time designated by the judge. It could be up to one year, longer, or permanent. Carry a copy of the protection order with you always. Extra copies of your order are available for free from the court clerk. It is against the law for the abuser to violate the protection order. If this happens, immediately call the police (911). If you received assistance from a legal advocate, also call that person. Remember: the abuser has no right to assault or harass you, and it is a crime if the abuser violates the court order.
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