Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
We all want to have as much say as possible in deciding what happens in our lives. We want to be autonomous, self-directed. We do not want to be along for the ride; we want to participate in our own lives. That does not mean we want to be alone, or an island, or completely independent of everyone around us. It does not mean, my way or the highway. But we do not want to be ignored, or pushed to the sidelines, even if it is "for our own good". Likewise with the very young, the very old, men and women, of all racial, ethnic and religious backgrounds. Even those so beaten down they deny they want to make any decisions for themselves generally give evidence, through lack of compliance or acting out, that they do indeed want to be autonomous. In bad cases, they may suffer from depression and other self-destructiveness, or aggression and destructiveness aimed at others.
While there are many things we need to do to and for our children (strapping them in a car seat so we can take them somewhere in the car, for example), there are many other things they can do for themselves. Trivially, many child care books note that toddlers can be allowed to choose what to wear from a limited set offered by the parent. Advice on feeding picky children often involves offering them a wide array of healthy choices and letting them eat as much or as little of each as they like. Alfie Kohn suggests a number of ways that parents can involve children in generating choices, rather than the parent offering such limited choices. Valerie Fitzenreiter took that idea a whole lot further.
Part of autonomy is being able to say no, I don't want that, I don't want to do that, I don't want you to do that to me. These are all ways I create a boundary at the edge of myself that defines what is me, and what is other. Parents cannot always respect that boundary (a very young child running into traffic is the canonical example), but it is mean and rude to violate that boundary recklessly or excessively. Parents need compassionate, effective strategies for communicating to their children that it is mean and rude to violate the parents' boundaries recklessly or excessively. I believe (and this is a new parent speaking, so expect me to change my mind about this!) that many of the dilemmas of whose needs come first -- the parents, the adult relationship, the child's -- are best solved on a moment-to-moment, case-by-case basis, by interacting respectfully with one's child, and any other adults involved.
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created March 9, 2006 Updated March 9, 2006