Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
And obviously, that relationship does give some power. Babies are small, fragile and relatively dependent. Parents generally are not as small or as fragile. People trapped in hierarchies they cannot escape from are vulnerable to the temptation to work out their destructive impulses on this convenient target. Alice Miller has devoted a lifetime to exploring this theme within the family and on the world stage.
Even a toddler moves well enough to make physical control tricky. Even advocates of corporal punishment recognize the risks of using it on teenagers who might turn around and beat the crap out of a parent. Parents are continually surprised at the little escape artists their preschool children turn out to be. Those who go on to utter the ultimatum, "As long as you live in my house, you'll obey my rules" sometimes discover their children are willing to take horrifying risks to take them up on the implicit offer: leave, and you can do whatever you need to do.
A slightly more sophisticated parent has a more subtle tool: conditional love. The physical needs may never be withheld (no going without dinner), and beatings may be only a theoretical option, but this parent's love is contingent on good behavior. Step out of line, and it starts with a disapproving look, degenerates through the silent treatment, and may continue with alarmingly creative variations until the child gives in. This is a very effective technique in getting compliance in the short run.
Such parents generally get a child who is so uncertain of the availability of love, that they will do anything anyone tells them to, for fear affection might be withheld. Occasionally, a child in this situation might decide never to attempt to receive love again, and go about their life refusing all intimacy. Not an improvement. Neither bodes well for their future relationships; both present an immediate threat to others, if combined with violent impulses imperfectly controlled because so long denied and suppressed.
Authority Implies the Ability, Right or Knowledge to Decide for Another
Control Assumes or Advocates the Impossible, and Legitimizes Efforts to Attain It
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created March 9, 2006 Updated March 9, 2006