Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
The vast majority of child care books, bibles and otherwise, concur that the only form of communication an infant has is crying.
I cannot emphasize this enough: That is complete and utter bullshit. I'm not sure why people keep saying this, but it so obviously is not true on the face of it, I have to wonder why people persist in saying it, writing it, believing it and attempting to make other people believe it, too. I question their motives. In reality, they're probably just being primates (i.e. imitating), but they should know better.
Infant cries communicate three pieces of information:
Infant cries do not and cannot communicate physical status information (like, I'm hungry or I need to be changed). They can communicate that they are unhappy with their physical status and how badly they need it modified, but that's about it. If your baby is getting all of its needs met in a timely fashion, you probably won't hear a lot of crying. Some of your baby's needs you may not be able to meet (if your baby has a medical problem, for example, that will take time and treatment to resolve) or be able to figure out, so it is unkind to blame a parent for a crying child. Many innate factors (genetic, congenital, or resulting from early experiences like the birth, circumcision, other medical interventions and experiences) determine how sensitive the child is to unmet needs. What might be barely noticeable to one child may be perceived as excruciating pain in another.
Babies are not born talking, and crying is a non-starter for details, so what else can the baby do to let you know what the baby needs? A lot of things that in an adult we might call non-verbal communication. If you aren't good with this in adults, view this as an opportunity to learn. If you are good with this in adults, view this as an opportunity to hone your skills. If you already good with this with children, toddlers and infants, feel free to send me any pointers; I need them.
The childcare bibles, books and pamphlets that health care providers give you tell you all about rooting. What they rarely say is that if that baby's mouth is wide open and that baby's eyes are wide open, it is probably not a yawn or cute baby expression. It is a specific request for you to put something in that mouth. The best choice is a breast. After that, fingers, and distantly, because of the risk of nipple preference and damaging a breastfeeding relationship before it has a chance to start, are pacifiers and bottles.
To reiterate: open mouth, open eyes means put something in it.
If we think back to when we were small, or if we have had experience with toddlers who were being potty trained, we know what it means when a child crosses her legs and dances all around. That kid needs to go, and is about to go whether in an appropriate location or not. If you feel this in your lap, you run, don't walk, that kid to the bathroom.
It turns out that some babies are born doing the potty dance, even in arms. Other babies will start doing the potty dance at a few weeks, or two or three months of age. Most parents who change diapers have a bunch of funny stories from early on about being hit with pee as soon as the diaper came off. A lot of parents go to some effort to train their babies not to go when the air hits them, but to get it all in the diaper first. Another alternative is to take the diaper off and hold your baby over an appropriate potty location. Then the pee goes in the sink instead of on you. In any event, if you have a baby like this, and want to keep your baby from crying, you can start helping them get to an appropriate potty location right from the beginning. They will be a little less frustrated, and less likely to cry, as their need for cleanliness was met early rather than late.
A number of childcare bibles suggest that if a baby tugs at his ear, it might mean the baby has an ear infection. Supposedly, studies have since suggested that tugging at the ear lacks specificity, which is to say babies tug at their ears (and every other part of themselves they can reach, and whatever they can reach that is not themselves, and so forth). I think that when babies hit themselves, slap at an ear for example, it might mean they have pain there. For example, we took Teddy on an airplane from Seattle to Boston when he was two months old. On the descent, he was reluctant to breastfeed because he wasn't hungry. I persisted, because he was slapping his ear and crying. He would suck for a while, he'd stop slapping his ear, he'd calm down, he'd stop sucking (because he wasn't hungry) and a moment later he'd start slapping his ear and crying again. He figured it all out after two or three iterations and nursed until landing.
Teddy has also slapped his head between his eyes and his ear (around the sinuses) when he had a bad head cold (lots of snot pouring out all over, coughing, even his babbling sounded like he had a sore throat), which I interpret as meaning his head hurt.
Before Teddy had any teeth, he developed an irritating habit of biting down (with his gums) on my breast. This hurt. I let him know it hurt. We had some conflict about it. In the course of that conflict, he grabbed my finger and bit down hard on it. I was discussing with my husband at the time whether Teddy might be ready to break a tooth and arguing that there was a rough patch on his gums. I felt around on Teddy's gums for a minute and he pushed my finger down harder, then relaxed and looked at me. I'm a little slow at times, but this was pretty obviously, yeah, duh, mom, do that harder. I massaged his gums, and he looked so much happier. We went back to nursing, and when he started to clamp down again, I said no; he came off the nipple, I massaged his gums and we went back to nursing. My husband went off to find the baby tylenol, and look up the dosage. We were all much happier after figuring this one out.
Sometimes squirming while nursing is a potty dance. Sometimes it's a missed pee or poopy diaper. Sometimes it means Teddy's gums hurt and tylenol or a little massage would help. Sometimes switching breasts (which probably means he's more thirsty than he is hungry, and he's through the foremilk on this side, but wants more) helps. Other times, Teddy squirms and comes off the breast and struggles to sit up more. After trying to find more comfortable positions for him to nurse in (more and more sitting upright, on the theory that would help the food roll downhill), I finally started helping him sit up. He'd sit up for a while, emit a raucously loud, mostly dry burp, and then squirm to nurse again. Trying to stop the squirming, or picking the wrong solution, just meant he came off the nipple more and more, irritating it, me and him.
When Teddy wakes up, he'll often rub his eyes (a familiar adult activity upon awakening) and sometimes, while still mostly asleep, he'll hit himself in the face, thereby helping wake himself up. When one of us catches his arms and keeps him from hitting himself, he'll sleep longer, which is sometimes good for us. But when we do this, it seems that when he does eventually wake up he has a lot of needs to address all at once: major squirming (probably to get the kinks out, the way we all stretch upon awakening), a wet diaper or a desperate need to pee now, and really hungry or thirsty or both, all at once. Stacked up needs can make me cry; Teddy reliably wails. Is it better to let him wake up and help him out? Or help him sleep, and console him through the arduous process of getting all those needs taken care of? We're the adults; we have to decide. We do what seems best on a case by case basis. It helps to recognize this; we're less concerned about the loud wails when they happen.
When Teddy was small (2 months or so), he'd reliably fall asleep when he was in a noisy place. It was kind of nice, in that we could go out to eat at a restaurant and he'd sleep in the bucket or in arms the whole time. Unfortunately, he'd usually be extra cranky later on that day, or the next day. When he was a little older, he did not fall asleep in a noisy environment, but instead got more and more squirmy, and very little would calm him down. We've started to recognize this, and leave before things get ugly. He does not like to be home all the time, doing the same thing; going out for walks, or on short errands seem to calm him, without putting him to sleep. He takes an interest in what is happening around him.
The old school health care providers, parents and child care books and bibles seem to think that baby smiles at the beginning Are Not Real (some say they are gas). I cannot imagine why people would think that gas would make anyone smile (other than at the sheer relief of it being gone, but then that's kind of a real smile, isn't it?). A big smile with eye contact may be rare at the beginning; overstimulated babies (which is pretty much all fresh babies) look away. But if a baby looks at you with a smile, it's a real smile. That baby is happy, and happy to be with you. Try not to overstimulate the baby; if that smile gets really huge and open-mouthed, crankiness may not be too far on the other side.
Again, a lot of denial about the reality of some of the early laughs. If you think it's a laugh, it probably is, even if it's a grunting, abbreviated sort of laugh. Your baby is still getting the hang of this stuff. I started blowing raspberries on my baby's belly when he was about four months old. He laughed reliably for a few weeks, every time I did it. Then one day, he didn't laugh. He smiled, but with a very serious, intent look on his face. So I did it a few more times and then stopped, because I wasn't sure what was going on. He grabbed my wrist, and I expected him to suck on it, a cue that he would like to nurse. But he didn't. Instead, he blew, softly on it. Then harder, and finally hard enough to make the zerbert, raspberry noise. I was shocked. And ecstatic. I heard his message quite clearly: I love you, too.
Around the same age, he would look intently at something, and then at me. I interpreted this as pointing. Sometimes I would hold him closer so he could see better. When he got a couple weeks older, he started making insistent sounds, then frustrated sounds, and I started taking him over to the wall. I think this is when his distance vision improved; certainly it's when he took a strong interest in things a ways away, on the walls of the room. He also leaned towards what he wanted to see or touch, and reaching out towards things (and people) that he wanted. It was wonderful to see him reach the age where I could be absolutely sure he wanted to go hang out with that person, as he leaned out of my arms, reaching both of his to someone else.
A month or more before this, my husband noticed that a certain kind of fussing indicated quite clearly that Teddy wanted time on the floor, which in part involved looking intently at the floor.
The universal no is a head turned away (the source of the head shake) or the head pulled sharply back. I'm always startled to see people attempt to feed a baby when the baby is leaned way back, head turned to the side. They aren't screaming, but probably only because when they've screamed in that circumstance, it did not go well for them. Respect a baby's no, if at all possible.
People think this doesn't happen until they are toddlers. Ha! I wonder if the bulb aspirator incident wasn't a case of, I want to do that!
Your baby will probably develop certain ways of letting you know what he or she wants (or does not want). If you pay close attention, you'll pick up on these signals, at first unconsciously, then perhaps, eventually, in a way that lets you help other people see those signals. It helps a lot to have been there with the baby, not just in general, but in the time leading up to the signal. Context helps. If you know what your baby's day or night has been like, the subtle indications can be much clearer, in exactly the way it's easier to interpret a friend's crankiness correctly when you know she's been sick for a month, than if you haven't talked to her in a year or so.
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen
Created January 14, 2006 Updated March 8, 2006