Go read the Disclaimer again. I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. Seriously.
One of the classic relationship arguments revolves around money. Another one revolves around life/work balance. They are, at heart, the same issue: how do we allocate family resources?
In a world in which men and women are accustomed to having their own income stream and accumulation of assets and debts, combined with common family dissolution, it is very easy to decide to allocate family resources in one of two simple ways. The simplest is: I spend My Money, and You Spend Your Money. Only marginally more complex is: All the Money Into the Pot and We Each Get Half (which is usually decided upon when the person who makes a lot more money realizes it isn't any fun living with a poor person). Whenever something requires both participants (deciding where to live, having a baby, etc.) comes up, conflict ensues.
While it is possible to have so much money that no decision is limited by money constraints (I suppose, although it would take a lot of money for some people), we're all stuck with this tired old 24 hours in a day scheme, only so many days in our lives. Even families with unlimited other resources are still stuck negotiating time. Having children will stretch most people's financial resources. Raising children stretches everyone's time (you can be a parent -- or at least a genetic donor -- without having your time stretched). Worst of all, it takes time to negotiate.
The problem of allocating time and other resources by family members, and the family as a whole, is involved in many specific conflicts: how much housework should be done, who should do it and to what standard, how children should be cared for, where people sleep, whether, when and how often sex happens, who should work, how many hours and for how much pay, when weaning should happen, whether and how much additional child care should be hired, when the television is on and what it is tuned to, and whether anyone gets to read the paper, play video games, hang out with their buddies, talk on the phone, etc.
Aggravating this already difficult situation are the many other issues, common across relationships, but the combination always idiosyncratic, that are fought by proxy when resources are being negotiated. Gender and power issues, for example, are nearly universal, particularly once a baby has entered the family.
A number of books have been written by some smart, helpful people (many of whom are counselors of one sort or another by profession) describing what happens to a couple after children are added to the family. Harville Hendrix specializes in understanding intergenerational issues that the family members bring to the new family, and how those issues and their related unmet needs can be managed. Gottman's classic on marriages describes what kinds of fighting dooms marriages, and what people in successful marriages do to make those relationships feel good and last. Gottman is pragmatic to a point just shy of defeatism; he believes most conflicts aren't ever going to be resolved, but do not therefore need to threaten the relationship if that conflict is performed in a way that minimizes damage to and if other steps are taken by the partners to strengthen the relationship far more often than the conflict weakens it. Coleman helps women identify what they need in a relationship that they are not getting and channel their negative emotions (particularly their rage) toward effective steps (primarily assertive communication) to getting those needs met. If that means ending a current relationship, he supplies specific, detailed suggestions for how to do that, too. Shields' has an even more detailed plan for the typical two-income household, designed to ensure that no one person's career takes the hit for the family.
While all of these books are extremely useful, the Warrens wrote a book about managing financial resources that deserves a companion volume about managing time. It is easy to see (once someone has organized the data) that credit card debt, car debt, IOUs to relatives, mortgage debt and student loans are all calls upon our income or wealth. It is not necessarily obvious to people (until someone organizes the data) that eating, sleeping, taking a shower, working, cleaning the house, maintaining the car, spending time with friends and caring babies are all calls upon our time. Spending money is not just about whether we deserve a new pair of shoes, or even whether we need a new pair of shoes. If we intend to stay out of bankruptcy -- if we intend to keep a roof over our head and food in our bellies -- it has also got to be about whether we can afford the shoes. In the same way, it isn't about whether the house is dirty, or even whether we are dirty. It's about whether we have time to clean the house, or ourselves. At some point, the money -- or at least the time -- runs out, and we have to prioritize. It's a lot better to cut the less important stuff early, when we can choose, than late, and have it done for us by hard reality.
Copyright 2006 by Rebecca Allen.
Created June 28, 2006 Updated June 28, 2006