[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
If you go to a party, a bar, a restaurant or any other venue as someone's date, whether you are in a relationship or not, and whether you have any intention of ever hanging out with them or not, you should make an effort to be present, not wandering mentally or physically. If you cannot stand to be with the person any more, leave the party. There are exceptions to this rule. If you bring a date to your turf, whether your place, your family reunion or your office party, and they behave in such a boorish fashion you will be favoring them with the cut direct on all future encounters, you can boot them out and stick around for the rest of the party on your own. If you cordially decide to play the party separately and either reconnect at the end or not, that is also acceptable. Ditching your date at the door to flirt with another prospect is poor form without prior consultation.
When planning an outing, whether with a friend, a business client or partner or a romantic prospect, consider the issue of turf. Wherever you go, one of four dynamics will be present: either you will be more familiar with the location and participants, or the other person will be more familiar, or you will both be unfamiliar, or you will both be familiar. Different rules prevail for each situation.
If you are more familiar with the location and participants, your responsibility is increased -- you should focus on making sure the other party is comfortable, is able to participate fully and generally has a good time. Even if you are not the host in the sense of paying for tickets or buying the meal, you are the host in the sense of introducing the person less familiar with the environment to the local mores and colorful characters. This includes everything from introducing them to the regulars you know to giving them good directions to the pay phone or powder room. You should expect the same if the other party is more familiar with the local environment. I think it fair to consider a failure to supply this service a reflection on the other person's manners, if not character.
If you are equally familiar with the location and participants, you should negotiate, ideally ahead of time, but during if necessary, to what degree you expect to participate as a social unit and to what degree you plan to participate as individuals who happen to know each other. If you expect to be on ground unfamiliar to both of you, the wise course is to plan ahead of time how long you intend to stay or at least under what circumstances you think you might want to leave. You should plan to consult with each other while there to determine if anyone thinks it would be more fun to leave than to stay.
Getting to and from the date, and in and out of the venue or venues, is likely to raise some thorny etiquette issues. Sit down with peers (probably not your children, if you are back in the dating pool after some time being out) who have dated recently, if you feel horribly behind the times, and try to find out what the current expectations are. A lot of similar issues can arise when interviewing for a job, and the same ask-peers advice will take you a long way.
Do not fall back on hoary etiquette advice learned thirty years ago from mom. It can get ugly out there. Miss Manners has excellent, relatively up-to-date advice in her books and columns. It doesn't hurt to make a habit of reading her.
Specifically, when dealing with thorny issues of door-holding, coat holding and paying, it's often best to abandon gender-based rules in favor of host/guest rules. If it's your car or house or apartment door, unlock it and hold it open for your guest. If it isn't your car, but you are driving and therefore holding the key, for these purposes you become the host. Many cars have unlock features, but if the one you are driving doesn't, it's considerate to unlock and open the door for your guest. However, you needn't run around to open it upon arrival at your destination, and it's a jackass tactic to wait for someone to open a car door from the outside. We can all help each other in and out of heavy outerwear and hold each other's parcels when circumstances require. Whoever reaches the door in or out of a public place should be permitted to open and hold the door, should they so desire. Under no circumstances should you allow a door to shut behind you and in front of your date who is following you. The general rule on paying for a meal or other part of a date is, if you invited the person and didn't previously arrange otherwise, you should bring enough to pay, and make a solid effort to pay. However, if they want to contribute by paying their share, or for tip or tickets or coffee or drinks or whatever, you shouldn't put up more than a token resistance. Of course if you know your circle (including your guest) has a different set of rules, stick with them.
If the person you are with is clearly adhering to a different set of rules, whether for small talk, or matters mentioned above, you have a number of options. First, you can adjust your own behavior to assume the role they have in mind for you. Second, you can try to get them to adjust to your rules. Third, you can take it as a sign of incompatibility and finish the date civilly and avoid a repetition.
[ Cookbook | Book Reviews | Advice | Previous | Next ]
Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated February 9, 2002