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You will meet few or no new people if you work at the same job, hang out at the same places, with the same friends, as you have for years. You need to, at minimum, do something new. Throw a party yourself. This is the single most useful piece of advice I have specifically for meeting new people, whether friends or potential lovers. Invite everyone you know and like, and tell them to bring along a friend or friends that you haven't met yet that they think you might be interested in getting to know. Even if you are trying to find dates, do not specifically ask for datable prospects. You aren't trying to hook up with people at the first party you throw. You are trying to return social favors owed to all your friends. You are trying to communicate to people that you are once again socially active (if you have been hermit-like for months or years). And you are trying to meet new people. Assuming you haven't been a mooch forever, this party should generate some return invites to dinners, nights out at the movie or a restaurant, other parties, from old friends and possibly from some of the new ones. It is at these outings, especially parties thrown by people you meet when your friends drag them to your party, that you can start trolling for dates.
Don't punish people for being nice to you. Adhere to local custom in arrival and departure time, but don't be a jerk. In Seattle, in particular, showing up at the specified time is bordering on actively rude; to arrive early is an appalling lapse. People will, however, hang about until all hours; the host often has to ask other guests to get hangers on to leave. Arrive a half hour to an hour after the specified time, and leave as the bulk of the guests are departing even if the host asks you to stay later. They are being polite. You may screw this up (hey, maybe he or she does want to boink you after, but if so, they'll probably make this very clear), but not nearly as badly as the alternative. Other cities have different rules. Learn yours. Behave well.
When you meet someone new at a party, your own or someone else's, introduce yourself, volunteer some innocuous information ("I love that sculpture by the fire."), ask an open ended question ("How do you know our host?"), listen to the answer. Thank them, shake their hand and move on. Don't make the poor sap who deigned to speak to a stranger regret the decision by talking their ear off until 3 a.m. Repeat with others at the same party. Don't linger; develop numbers.
If someone does offer you contact information, thank them. You don't have to reciprocate, but you can. If you are going to call or otherwise contact them, remind them who you are when you call and expect them to have to think a bit, or perhaps not recall at all. Call within the week, and find humor and solidarity in any stumbling and confusion in the conversation.
If you must say no to a request at a party (whether to dance, partake, or slip out for some nookie), say no politely, but firmly. Don't tease. In general, it's best not to give a reason. It tempts the other person to talk you around. If pressed for one, feel free to excuse yourself and walk away from the person or leave the venue.
Compliment freely. Criticize only when necessary (for example, to object to a bigoted remark) and move on to a new topic immediately. People argue with this particular piece of advice, so I will both modify it and add a warning. Compliments are best directed to some aspect or characteristic of a person they have at least some control of. A brilliant smile is a wonderful subject for a compliment. A well-chosen outfit may be as well. One's body might be, if it is obviously the result of extensive body-building. A person's size, height or hair color (unless clearly modified) are not as good a choice. In part because of the prevalence of the latter kind of compliment, but also more generally due to a perception that compliments objectify the recipient, some people strongly object to compliments. And when you say, "Gosh, what a lovely dress you have on", you may get the verbal equivalent of a slap in the face. Please do not stop delivering compliments. (That's one of the dumber "Guy Club" rules I've run into.) Note the abysmal manners of the person, move on quickly and thank whoever you feel appropriate that you found out early on what kind of person they are.
Political positions on etiquette are important and should be expressed in appropriate places. However, yelling at someone for holding a door, or making small talk in a manner not entirely to your liking is piss poor manners and terrible from a tactical perspective.
If you are exceptionally good at making acquaintances and casual friends, if people tend to like you a lot, right from the beginning, you are very good at establishing a sense of rapport. This is a great skill, but like any skill, you do need to exercise some care, particularly if you are equally adept at concealing your own emotional state from other people, because what you've basically done is made them feel like they know what you're all about when they don't. They'll act based on whatever impression they've created or you've created or the two of you have collectively created. If you know what this impression is, can successfully manage it, and have a specific goal in mind (I'm the kind of person you want to fuck. Let's fuck.), you'll either get what you want, or it will blow up in a fairly predictable way (You lying sack of shit. I never want to see you again.). You won't be surprised and you can move on the next mark. Word may eventually get round about what you're up to, which may force you to switch social circles, or possibly cities, at least until the dust settles.
If you don't have an agenda, and you stay in frequent, apparently intimate contact with people who have a perception of you that is factually inaccurate or even just so incomplete as to be misleading, you probably won't get what you want (they don't know you, they don't know what you want, but they like you, so they'll be trying to get or give you what they think you want, which is unlikely to help you). The relationship has reasonably good odds of blowing up in an unpredictable way, with one of two predictable components. The first is the lying-sack-of-shit response. The second will sound something like, "I thought I knew you. I just don't know if I can trust you ever again." They'll probably come around (after all, you are very good at establishing rapport). They may even wind up liking and trusting you, while telling everyone else not to do so. They will experience, and help other people experience, a lot of internal conflict around you.
I'm sorry to say this is actually one of those situations where people with good motives, a hell of a lot of talent and limited experience are actually worse off than assholes with one lousy trick up their sleeve. The good news is, all you have to do to get over this is let people in on a more complete version of the real you. This will reduce your circle of apparently close friends, but since you'll increase your (probably nonexistent) circle of actually close friends, I figure it's worth it. Try it and let me know what you think.
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Copyright Rebecca Allen, 2002.
Created February 9, 2002 Updated November 19, 2003