Visitor From Outer Space
(Series conceived by Matt McIrvin. Written by Louis Nick. Revision by James "Kibo" Parry.)
(Music. Superimpose title on a rotating, dish-like object with a spiral painted on it, mounted on top of an oscilloscope cabinet:
SCIENTIFICTION
PLAYHOUSE
A
GIX Television Production
The camera pans past laboratory glassware, a microscope with non-aligned reflector, and a Schmidt-Cassegrain Telescope on a Dobsonian mount. Enter COOLIDGE MERCER.)
Good Evening and welcome to Scientifiction Playhouse. I'm your host, Coolidge Mercer. Tonight, we'll explore two of the most important tools that science has today, in order to explore worlds too large or too small to see with the naked eye. (MERCER holds a large 1.5x power magnifying glass in front of his face so we see an enlarged view of his eye and up his nose.)
(MERCER walks to a lab table with a microscope on one side and a telescope on the other.)
These two objects, invented by Sir Isaac Newton, are the microscope and the telescope. His book was called "Prinshipia," the Latin word for "Optics" which is the science of light. Both of these instruments use light to illuminate objects very small (indicates telescope, then hastily indicates microscope, apparently cued from off camera) and the very large, yet very distant objects (indicates telescope). Let's take a look, shall we?
(MERCER puts his eye to the microscope.)
This is a slide of two bacteria on a petri dish. We spin the dish so they'll move. (CUT to two mice on a spinning dish.)
(MERCER moves to telescope and looks in eyepiece, awkwardly. He has to lean over table and look up. A dry-cleaning tag is visible on his jacket.)
Currently we looking at an image of the Moon, magnified greatly by the telescope's power. (beat) A truly magnificent tribute to the glory of God' fine creation: science.
(MERCER stands. Dolly in.)
Both of these tools make use of the phenomenon discovered by the philosopher Aristotle. That phenomenon is called perspective. (MERCER lifts his hand into view. He is holding a DIME.)
(CUT to full studio shot. Lab table is now empty, and moved so that camera is shooting directly over the surface of the table. MERCER steps forward out of the focal range and places the dime directly in front of the camera. Dime is blurry. MERCER steps to the side.)
(OFF CAMERA) The dime appears large on your huge nine-inch color television screen, but in fact is just as small as ever. However, we have another dime, in the back of this lab, that appears just as big. (A tarp drops, revealing a GIANT DIME, in perfect focus.) Both dimes appear the same, but that's perspective fooling you.
(MERCER walks to dime in focus, and lifts it.)
This isn't really a dime, it's the size of a manhole! (It is a manhole cover. MERCER has trouble hefting it.)
(MERCER moves so he is obscured by unfocused now-spinning dime.)
On tonight's episode, a trick in perspective produces a remarkable discovery in this fictional yet prophetic story.
(MERCER takes dime and begins to examine it in microscope. Fade to black screen.)
(Title:
VISITOR FROM OUTER SPACE
CUT to stock footage of rotating SAC radar. CUT to video still of Kitt Peak Observatory, Arizona. CUT to INT, a small, square white room, with a step-ladder and telescope objective at the top. A horoscope chart is on the wall.)
(Two men, FLEISHMANN and PONS, enter the room. PONS, the taller, climbs the step-ladder. FLEISHMANN stoops to turn up the radiator, and eyes the horoscope chart.)
Thanks, these mountain tops sure do get cold at night. (Both laugh.) Where's the comet tonight?
Passing through Aries the Bull.
Aries... the Bull. What awesome powers of perception our Roman forefathers had.
Need any more light up there? I can get the electric torch.
(PONS has been looking through the objective.)
No, I've got it. (he gazes) What the dickens? There's something in the comet's tail! Let me take a photo.
(He lifts a camera to the objective, looks through the top viewfinder, and snaps a photo. He winds the film and climbs down the step-ladder.)
I want to get this developed quickly. Let's go.
(They leave. PONS turns off the lights on his way out.)
(CUT to developing room with red light. Video montage of scientists shaking canisters, twisting knobs on enlarger, dipping prints in chemicals, and hanging them on clothes lines.)
(CUT to a University Dean's Office. DEAN is examining a photo with a magnifying lens.)
Why are there no stars visible in the image?
That is due to the scientific phenomenon of dynamic range. There are (FLEISHMANN glares) ...uh, because for the comet, it's like high noon. No stars come out in the day, you see, because the sun is too bright.
And what do you make of this object in the tail?
I think it resembles Mars, with those solid rings of gaseous debris.
Right, sir, we've been calling it a Mars-Like Object, or MLO for short. Dr. Fleishmann has give it the scientific designation M.L.O.-1.
Does the media know about this?
Just say the word, Dean, and we'll schedule a press conference. Those Galacto-Dynamicists can be cleared out of the auditorium for something this important.
Right away. I want the whole world to know that it was head scientists from our University that made the discovery of this Mars-Like Object.
(Commercials:
*swoop* *swoop* "Hey, It's got a nice ring to it." *Zzzt* "Ah, bite me." *Zzzzt* "Ohhh" *Theme from MST3K* "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER THREE-THOUSAND. On the Sci-Fi Channel."
"Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-wah"
"Mmmm. Beefy!"
"Where yesterday meets tomorrow. It's Retro TV on the Sci-Fi channel.")
Title:
VISITOR FROM OUTER SPACE
(CUT to PODIUM on stage. American flag is visible on stage right. PONS is at podium, answering questions. Flashbulbs flash, intimidating PONS.)
(CUT to MERCER)
(VOICEOVER) We return to our scientists, informing the public about the discovery of the century.
...at this time, we can only speculate as to the MLO's origins. However, a telescopic spectrogram, that's a special light filter developed for the Army at the Rand Corporation's spectral photography division, indicates that the MLO could be sustaining life.
(A TOUGH-TALKING WOMAN REPORTER stands up, and after popping a nugget of freshness into her mouth, briefly poses with the tube of candy, and then faces PONS.)
Dr. Pons, isn't this just another grab at funding? (The reporters laugh.) Are you telling us there might be aliens aboard that object?
I can't speculate about that, and as for the funding, we knocked out those Weiners at the galactic dynamics conference. And everybody in the field knows that that's where the money in astronomy is. We wouldn't disrupt them if we didn't feel this was a genuine discovery.
We've been hearing speculation that the Comet or this 'MLO' could impact, or crash into, the Earth. Could you comment on that?
(FLEISHMANN displaces PONS at the podium.)
If the Comet turns towards Earth, it would burn up in the atmosphere. M.L.O.-1 will likely bounce off the atmosphere, the way a round stone skips on water, and enter Earth orbit. Then, a robot can be launched on a satellite to investigate. Perhaps, one day, we can send a man up to visit the object. (All laugh.)
(DEAN steps up to the podium.)
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but science leaves no option for frivolity. We must return to investigate this exciting discovery immediately. Thank you all for coming. Enjoy the buffet.
(Still on stage, the scientists and the Dean speak in low voices.)
I'm sorry boys, but the University has its belt tight enough as is. We'll need you to seek private finding. I did a little searching, though, and it seems R.C. Hoagland might be interested in helping you.
Hoagland! The billionaire philanthropist?
Yeah, I had heard he was interested in space. Where do we go?
His corporate headquarters, downtown.
Of course, the Giant H building.
(establishing shot of blurry oil painting of giant "H"-shaped building. It is painted on a postcard of Philadelphia, apparently spanning the Ohio river.)
(CUT to INT OFFICE. HOAGLAND is reading newspaper with prominent Comet headline. PERSONAL ASSISTANT hovers nervously. Suspenders-wearing ACCOUNTANT is lecturing the oblivious HOAGLAND.)
I don't like it, R.C. These scientists will never be satisfied with just a few grand. It's always more more more with these science-types.
I already said yes. Science is a good cause. More people should give to astronomy, you know.
Fine by me, R.C., if other people want to throw their money away on some lark. But you hired me to keep your spending wise.
And now you're becoming a wise guy. I was roommates with the Dean in college. I've given more money to the old U. than anyone, including that IBM fellah. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a check to sign. Let them in on your way out, both of you!
(PONS and FLEISHMANN enter.)
And send a boy to Brazil. I want those copies made immediately!
Right Chief!
(ACCOUNTANT and ASSISTANT leave. A stage hand closes the door. HOAGLAND theatrically signs a check and hands it to PONS and FLEISHMANN.)
Sir, I don't know how to thank you for your kind donation.
We'll put the donation to best use, sir, and we can even include you on proprietary data access (FLEISHMANN glares), that is, we'll see you get pictures just as they come out.
(The two scientists hold the check with both hands. Dialogue mutes as music soars patriotically. The scientists shake hands with HOAGLAND and converse congenially. Superimpose title: THE END)
(CUT to MERCER, who is standing before a table which supports a great mound of cash. MERCER picks up a stack of C-notes and flips them to hear the sound. To one side, a guard can be seen, about half in view.)
Before me you see the least important but still necessary element of science. You see, it is our money that powers scientific exploration, but it is the minds of brilliant scientists that power science. Without scientists, they can be no study of the unknown. Without money, well, it just goes a lot slower.
Many scientific institutions around the country give offer funding for research in the form of grants and donations. This is known as pure science, paid for by what're called "research dollars."
Other times, a corporation or military will use its own capital to fund research into subjects it can exploit for profit. This is known as applied science, which is funded by what's known as "dirty money."
The difference may seem trivial to you, the non-scientist, but a modern researcher knows that the source of money can make the difference between good and bad truth.
(MERCER flips through the cash again, eyes the guard, and pockets ten grand. JUMP-CUT to stock of MERCER seated at a desk, reading Scientific American. Film is worn and jumpy, audio is not synchronized with film.)
Join us next week for another exciting yet high-brow adventure in the world of fiction... and science.
(Music. Closing credits.)