Helping a friend

1. Let your friend know that you want to listen.

It doesn’t matter so much what you say, but how you listen.

• Find a time to be alone with her.
  
• Let her talk, don’t interrupt
  
• Show interest in what she says by sitting close, facing her and looking at her.
  
• Nod your head occasionally to let her know you are still with her and listening
  
• You may feel nervous about stalls and silences. They’re okay, just let them happen.
  
• If she needs help to continue talking, try repeating back to her the things she has said.
  

2. Believe her.

People rarely make up stories about a sexual assault.

3. Let her know you care.

This may be the first time your friend has ever told about the sexual assault. Give whatever expression of sympathy is comfortable. Some that have worked for other teens:

• I said "It must have been tough (frightening)."
  
• "I cried with her."
  
• "I reached out and touched her hand and put my arm around her shoulder. (I was hesitant to touch her at first because she was talking about touch as a bad experience, but it worked out)."
  
• I was afraid to open my mouth. Even though I didn’t think it was funny, I felt a giggle coming on. But I didn’t let myself giggle. I concentrated on breathing deeply and the giggle went away. (If you do giggle or smile at the wrong moment, you can say something like "I don’t know why I did that, it just came out.")
  

4. Reassure her that she is not to blame.

Blaming questions such as "Why didn’t you scream?" or "Were you hitchhiking?" are not helpful. Instead you might say, "It’s difficult to scream when your frightened" or "Hitchhiking is risky, but you were asking for a ride, not a rape."

5. Let her be in control of who knows about the sexual assault.

Keep whatever she says between you and maybe a trusted adult such as a teacher or a mom. "I told two friends and asked them not to tell anyone. One friend didn’t tell anyone. But my best friend told my classmates and rumors were spread around school. People treat me different – either like I did something wrong or they treat me special like I have a real problem. I don’t feel like going to school anymore."

NOTE: Take care of yourself too. Hearing about the sexual assault of a friend is upsetting. Sometimes people as they are recovering from rape, reject those friends who were most helpful at their time of crisis. You may become that rejected friend because you are a clear reminder of the rape she is trying to forget. Most likely if you give her the time and space she needs she will return to the friendship.

There is no perfect way to protect yourself against rape, but the following have worked for many people.

1. Know you have the right to set sexual limits.

You may have different limits with different people; your limits may change. It’s a good idea to know what you want or don’t want before you end up in the back seat of a car.

2. Communicate those limits.

Get them across to the other person. ESP doesn’t work.

3. Trust your feelings.

If you are being pressured into unwanted sex, you’re right.

• Someone sitting or standing too close who enjoys your discomfort.
• Power stares – looking through you or down at you.
• Someone who blocks your way.
• Someone speaking in a way or acting as if he knows you more intimately than he does.
• Someone who grabs or pushes you to get his way.
• Someone who doesn’t listen or disregards what you are saying (like "NO").

• Get angry when someone does something to you that you don’t want.
  
• Act immediately with some kind of negative response. (You may want to practice this by yourself or with friends).
  
• Stand up for yourself ... it’s okay to be rude to someone who is sexually pressuring you, even if it hurts their feelings. After all, they are not paying attention to your feelings.