On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
JANUARY 5: Hong Kong health authorities
have carried out an unprecedented slaughter of 1.4 million chickens, ducks,
geese, and other poultry as well as mounting a mass disinfection campaign
in farms, markets, and poultry farms. Their stated reason is to stop
the spread of an avian flu, designated Influenza A (H5N1), that had suddenly
acquired the never-before-seen ability to directly infect humans. So far
there have been 14 confirmed cases in humans, of whom 4 have died, an alarming
death rate of more than 28%.
"Independent", i.e., not Republican, talk radio host Mike Reagan, however,
tells us that this "public health scare" is only a cover story for the
reason behind the chicken slaughter: it's a "massive government conspiracy
to help Tyson foods."
Just for fun, let's try to reconstruct his paranoid reasoning, starting
with the true Clinton-hater's core belief that Bill Clinton is the evil
mastermind behind everything that happens in the world. Given that
core belief, it's obvious that the Chinese government, in exchange
for American nuclear secrets, forced Hong Kong to slaughter the chickens
so they would have to import them from Tyson foods, which is (here's the
clincher) based in Arkansas! Where Bill Clinton was governor!
And which contributed to Bill Clinton's re-election campaign! See?
See? Everything's connected to Clinton! There, that was easy, wasn't
it? All you have to do is suspend all rational thought processes
and you too can spew paranoid conspiracies just like Reagan!
Is Reagan a congenital liar? Or just stupid?
JANUARY 5: "Independent" and innumerate
talk radio host Mike Reagan is annoyed that Clinton is claiming credit
for bringing the federal budget into near-balance. Reagan says Clinton
had nothing to do with decreasing federal deficits: "it's only when you
get a Republican congress that the budget started started to come back
Time to haul out the almanac for some fact-checking...
Ok, here are the facts:
The federal deficit went down every year of Clinton's presidency.
For the first two years of Clinton's presidency (the 103d Congress), the
Democrats were in control of both the Senate and the House.
So Reagan is wrong again. Is anyone surprised anymore?
Leaving hardly any time for killing chickens in Hong Kong
JANUARY 21: Rush Humbert Humbert Limbaugh
III says of President Clinton and infidelity: "it's a daily or weekly part
of the president's personality."
Humbert's show is sponsored by the Fonix Game.
Sex tips from a toe-sucker
JANUARY 29: Republican talk radio host Kirby
Wilbur and Republican dirty trickster Floyd Brown are on the air together,
snickering and laughing over Dick "Toe Sucker" Morris's KABC interview
where he speculates about Bill and Hillary Clinton's sex life.
Wilbur is somewhat sympathetic to Hillary's defense of her husband: "Put
yourself in Hillary's thick, wide shoes - what would you do?"
Wilbur's show is sponsored by AT&T Wireless.
Conservatism = Big Boobs - so says a big boob
JANUARY 29: Official KVI Radio Rabbi
Lapin is sharing more of his deep understanding of women. "Women
with men in their lives, strong, worthwhile men, are content, happy, satisfied."
But when they don't have men, or worse, have "weak" men, "they turn to
the government" and become liberals. His advice to such women? "Put
your bras back on." But even if they do, he's not impressed: "they
probably need wonder bras."
Thanks for the (false) memories
JANUARY 30: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur has disgruntled ex-FBI agent and fabulist author of Unlimited
Fantasies Gary Aldrich on the show. Wilbur gushes over Aldrich:
"thanks for everything you've done" and "let us know when you new book
is out and we'll have you on."
Gotta disinfect the radio again
JANUARY 30: Talk radio host Ken Hamblin,
the self-styled "Black Avenger", says that Patricia Ireland and the N.O.W.
are "clawing like bacteria, like ebola at the side of a Petri dish" in
defending President Clinton.
A hostage in his own mind
FEBRUARY 3: A piqued Rush Hostage Limbaugh
III announces that he's discontinuing his long-time "Special Edition: America
Held Hostage" program taglines. Why? "Americans obviously don't
believe they're being held hostage, the dolts!"
Hostage's show is sponsored by Ricoh copiers.
Just like he wakes up everyday
FEBRUARY 3: Rush Hydrophobia Limbaugh
III is railing against the complacency of the vast majority of Americans
who aren't frothing at the mouth in rage at President Clinton, like Limbaugh
is. He warns us that, one day, such people are going to "wake up,
Hydrophobia's show is sponsored by Ameritrade.
I want some of what he's smoking
FEBRUARY 3: Rush Hemp Limbaugh III is
off in a psychotic fugue today, ranting that one "can't smoke cigarettes
in two states in this country!" and "In California and New York, already
you can't smoke!"
Hemp's show is sponsored by Ricola cough drops (what do they put in those
Anal cyst talking
FEBRUARY 4: Rush Hemorrhoid Limbaugh
III's inflamed anal cyst must be providing today's metaphor inspiration
as Limbaugh rants: "This president is farting on the constitution!" and
"This president is using the constitution for toilet paper!"
Hemorrhoid's show is sponsored by Invesco.
On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 4: Rush Handheld Limbaugh III
explains that Russian President Yeltsin's stern message discouraging President
Clinton from attacking Iraq is actually part of President Clinton's fiendish
plan to distract the media and public from the Lewinsky scandal.
Today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour is sponsored by Blanchard Precious Metals.
How about the Ronald Reagan National Debt?
FEBRUARY 6: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur's guest Grover Norquist is discussing his national crusade
to rename public buildings, bridges, airports, whatever, after Ronald Reagan.
Beware the bankrupt who offers you financial advice
FEBRUARY 8: Official Radio Rabbi Lapin, who
went bankrupt twice a few years ago, is "ashamed by the economic ignorance
of people" who give President Clinton any credit for the good and improving
Revisionist Exodus - discuss among yourselves at your next Seder
FEBRUARY 8: Official Radio Rabbi Lapin
tells us to ignore all those verses in Exodus that detail how the Egyptians
enslaved the Israelites and "made their lives bitter with hard bondage,
and morter [sic], and in brick, and in all manner of service in
the field". Not to mention Pharaoh's edict to kill all the male children
of the Israelites. No, says Lapin, "they weren't slaves in the image
of whips and overseers, because tax collectors were established."
So all that picturesque language of toil and suffering and beatings in
the Bible is just a metaphor for the vampiric depredations of the taxman.
What's sauce for the goose
FEBRUARY 8: Official Radio Rabbi Lapin
is clucking over the disproportionate number in male versus female births
in China. While he is musing on the drastic consequences this will
have in the future, a caller suggests the adoption of the Tibetan practice
of polyandry - the marriage of one woman to several men. Lapin
recoils from this suggestion in horror, saying "it isn't going to work
- all through human recorded history you don't find a stable society based
on polyandry." He's wrong, of course. Polyandry has for thousands
of years been a respectable and desirable practice in Tibet,
particularly among the more wealthy landed class and aristocrats.
Lapin's ignorant response is nothing but a bigot's reflexive refusal to
face facts that contradict his warped beliefs.
On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 10: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan's guests are Mike Levin of the Scaife-funded Landmark
Legal Foundation and Larry Klayman of Scaife-funded Judicial Watch.
Today's conspiracy under discussion is that Mary Caitlin Mahoney, a young
woman who had been a Clinton White House intern, was murdered in 1997 while
working in a Georgetown Starbucks. Was her murder ordered by
President Clinton because she knew too much? Well, Levin cites a
report that Monica Lewinsky told Vernon Jordan that she "didn't want to
end up like Caity Mahoney." Klayman chips in that Mahoney's murder
was "an execution-style killing."
Brrrr! Pretty chilling stuff, if true. But is it? After some
research, the only source for the Lewinsky quote appears to be the January
23 issue of an email newsletter popular with the Clinton-hater crowd
titled "Strategic Weekly Briefings." The problem is, the article
says the quote was provided by anonymous sources. Is this quote credible?
Let's do a paranoia check with right-wing conspiracy website NewsMax.com
- they've printed several of these Strategic Weekly Briefings articles,
and they're willing to believe any conspiracy theories involving President
Clinton. Hmm, a February
16 article says "NewsMax.com has been unable to confirm reports that
Lewinsky once told a White House friend [Vernon Jordan], 'I don't want
to end up like Caity Mahoney.'" So while this anonymous quote isn't
considered credible for a Clinton-hater website, Reagan, Levin, and Klayman
are perfectly willing to serve it up as fact to their talk radio audience.
Reagan's daily Scaife-funded conspiracy hour is sponsored by Merrill Lynch.
But wait, there's more! On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 10: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan's and his guest, Larry Klayman of Scaife-funded
Judicial Watch, are discussing "Filegate," the purported acquisition of
FBI background files on Republicans for nefarious purposes by the Clinton
White House. They say President Clinton is using the files as blackmail
to "take down" any Republican who dares to investigate him. Apparently
these Republicans include Richard Mellon Scaife, because Klayman says his
"clients are terrified as to what's in the files!"
Fast Forward to March, 2000: Whitewater Independent Council
Robert Ray releases the final report on "Filegate." It states, "The
investigation disclosed no credible evidence establishing that Mr. Marceca,
or any high-level Clinton Administration official or Mrs. Clinton, engaged
in criminal activity in obtaining confidential FBI background reports related
to individuals who no longer required access to the White House."
Another juicy conspiracy pops like a soap bubble when the truth finally
comes out. Too bad that American taxpayers had to pay millions to
dispel the lies paid for by Richard Mellon Scaife and spewed by Reagan
and his ilk.
Reagan's daily Scaife-funded conspiracy hour is sponsored by Nextel.
FEBRUARY 17: Republican talk radio station
KVI plays a station promo set in a grand jury room where President Clinton
is supposedly testifying. In it, a judge says: "President Clinton,
what have you got to say for yourself?" The reply is a clip from
Forrest Gump: "Stupid is as stupid does."
This Clinton-hating moment is sponsored by Geico car insurance.
Wilbur the appeaser
FEBRUARY 18: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur is not impressed by the Administration's case for taking military
action against Saddam Hussein to enforce the U.N. mandate for weapons inspections
laid out by Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor
Samuel Berger, and Secretary of State Madeline Albright at a townhall
meeting in Ohio. His opinion of the threat posed by Saddam?
"The three stooges were up on stage today telling us we have to go to war."
Wilbur's appeasement of Saddam is sponsored by Interwest bank.
Hail Comrade Rush! Resolutely struggle to crush the
racist war-monger fascists!
FEBRUARY 19: Rush Hegel Limbaugh III
praises the protesters
at the Ohio townhall meeting who chanted anti-war slogans, heckled,
and shouted down the speakers. He says the protesters are the "people
who make this country work!" His opinion echoes that of "News
& Letters", a newspaper
whose publisher is "an organization of Marxist-Humanists who stand for
the abolition of capitalism, whether in its private property or state property
Comrade Rush's proletariat-inspired dialectic is sponsored by Bose Radio,
which "makes this show sound terrific!".
Reagan the appeaser AND On today's Clinton Conspiracy Hour
FEBRUARY 19: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan is also unimpressed by the Administration's case for taking
military action against Saddam Hussein to enforce the U.N. mandate for
weapons inspections laid out by Secretary of Defense William Cohen, National
Security Advisor Samuel Berger, and Secretary of State Madeline Albright
at a townhall meeting in Ohio. He was especially convinced
of the evil of U.S. intervention in Iraq by a question asked at the townhall
Strange, one of the protesters and member of the Columbia Coalition
for Democratic Foreign Policy.
Reagan repeats the anti-war argument behind the question: if President
Clinton is using enforcement of U.N. sanctions to justify attacking Iraq,
why doesn't President Clinton bomb Indonesia, which has not complied with
U.N. resolutions requiring it to end its occupation of East Timor?.
In other words, if the U.S. doesn't use armed force to enforce all
U.N. resolutions, it would be hypocritical to enforce any U.N. resolutions
with armed intervention.
Besides, says Reagan, President Clinton, Secretary of Defense William Cohen,
National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, Secretary of State Madeline Albright,
and everybody else in the Administration are "lying about the Iraq threat
to cover up the sex scandal."
Reagan's appeasement of Saddam and conspiracy-mongering about President
Clinton is sponsored by Janus mutual funds.
First use of the Chickenhawk argument
FEBRUARY 19: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan's guest, Colonel (ret) David Hackworth, says that Secretary
of Defense William Cohen, National Security Advisor Samuel Berger, and
Secretary of State Madeline Albright have no moral authority to put our
troops at risk in Iraq. Why? "Two of them are draft dodgers
and one a protester."
Reagan the appeaser
FEBRUARY 23: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan has another reason why picking on Saddam Hussein is unfair:
"We haven't held accountable the countries that sold the weapons to the
country we're bombing." While true, holding such countries accountable
might make a lot of
- including his father - uncomfortable.
Reagan the appeaser
FEBRUARY 25: "Independent" talk radio
host Mike Reagan compares Saddam Hussein with President Clinton, saying
"the only difference between them is that Saddam kills people and [President]
Clinton doesn't, but there are people who would disagree with that."
Reagan's appeasement of Saddam Hussein and smear of President Clinton is
sponsored by Honda.
FEBRUARY 28: Republican talk radio station
KVI plays another station promo: "Bubba Clinton testifies before the grand
jury," followed by another Forrest Gump-like clip: "I'm not a smart man,
but I know what love is."
This Clinton-hating moment is sponsored by Select Comfort beds. They
have a special promotion running - buy now and get a free set of (shudder)
Rush Limbaugh pillows.
Take his children, please
MARCH 1: Official Radio Rabbi Lapin says
laws against child abuse are useless because the government can't bring
about "heaven on earth" and it's not worth protecting abused children if
a "functional family" or "religious family" might be harmed by government
interference. He doesn't explain how a family with abused children
can still be considered "functional."
"Religious" families, of course, have long struggled under the heavy yoke
of a satanic secular government that forces them to vaccinate their children
rather than relying on faith
healing provided by the "laying on of hands" over the airwaves by a
televangelist. Not to mention all those godless laws against beating
your child to expel demons, polygamy, forced child marriage, and - Rabbi
Lapin's particular complaint - the illegality of selling your child into
MARCH 9: Republican talk radio station
KVI plays another station promo: "Sure, the President said it last night,
but will he mean it in the morning?"
MARCH 10: Republican talk radio station
KVI plays another station promo: "News and views you won't get anywhere
else." I would add: "outside of a psycho ward."
Hey! Lookit the freek!
MARCH 11: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur informs the blind members of his audience that Mikhail Gorbachev
has a "big, ugly, raspberry birthmark on his head." The rest of the
world already knew this, but felt it was unkind to point and laugh at an
unfortunate person with a birth defect.
Wilbur's compassionate observation is sponsored by Nextel.
Nixon doesn't make the cut, either
MARCH 13: Republican talk radio station
KVI plays another station promo consisting of stirring patriotic music
under sound bites of Presidents Reagan, Bush, Roosevelt, and Kennedy to
show that KVI "loves America." Note the conspicuous absence
of any recent Democratic presidents that aren't conveniently dead.
Plus, the inclusion of Roosevelt is odd, given that practically every minute
of their broadcasts is dedicated to destroying the institutions like Social
Security and unemployment insurance that Roosevelt created.
Wilbur's Last Stand
MARCH 24: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur is sick of the constant whining of Native Americans - oh,
wait - he says there's "no such thing as an aboriginal American or a Native
American." Well, whoever those people living on Indian reservations
are, he's got no sympathy for their concerns, saying: "We've been here
for 500 years, pal! Get over it!" And as for all those genocidal
actions against them like smallpox-infected blankets, the odd massacre
of women and children, and the Trail of Tears: "Historic wrongs are not
going to be righted - you need to relax."
Wilbur's support for genocide is sponsored by The Original Conservative
Coffee Company, makers of the Ronald Reagan blend. Their slogan is
"Coffee that's taking America back!" Back to the good old days when
the only good Indian was a dead Indian? No thanks.
MARCH 24: Rush Hector Limbaugh III says
President Clinton's trip to Africa is "advanced jury tampering" for juries
in Washington D.C. and Little Rock, Arkansas, then says "you can't help
making jokes about this - everybody's thinking this stuff, I just say it!"
Hector's show is sponsored by Sprint PCS.
Return of The Two Minute Hate
MARCH 27: Republican talk radio host
Kirby Wilbur revives his "Two Minute Hate" feature on Friday mornings.
Wilbur kicks off The Two Minute Hate by working himself and his audience
up into a red-faced frenzy about some "liberal" atrocity, usually masterminded
by President Clinton. He then turns over the microphone to his enraged
callers and lets them build a wave of righteous fury against Goldstein,
er, Clinton, ENEMY of the PEOPLE!!!.
Wilbur had stopped performing the Two Minute Hate soon after the Oklahoma
City bombing, apparently concerned that some people might have been taking
this whole hate-mongering thing too seriously. He is seemingly no
longer concerned about that. Confession - Wilbur actually calls his
feature "Rant and Rave," but since it seems to be all rant and no rave,
my term is more truthful.
Wilbur's Two Minute Hate is sponsored by Kaufman's Big and Tall shop.
Is that where Big Brother shops?
All that money from Scaife down the toilet
MARCH 28: A few days ago, Rush Handkerchief
Limbaugh III had read approvingly from Dick Morris's New York Post article
ridiculing Robert Bennet for asking that Paula Jones' lawsuit against President
Clinton be summarily dismissed. Today, the judge agreed with Bennet
and dismissed the case, restoring America's faith in the judiciary and
showing yet again how full of shit Morris is.
Republican talk radio host Michael Reagan, not previously know for supporting
feminism, is dismayed by the dismissal, saying it "set back the women's
movement by years." Actually, all it set back was the
right-wing conspiracy trying to drive a twice-elected president from office.
Now that Jones' case is dismissed, no reasonable person would continue
a paranoid obsession with Monica Lewinsky's testimony in the case.
Handkerchief's show is sponsored by Snapple, the "official beverage" of
Reagan's show is sponsored by the Conservative Coffee Company, the "Coffee
that's taking America back!"
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