Everything I Know I Learned from Talk Radio

- 1996 Highlights -

Who are these people? and Did they really say that?

Samples:

That explains all those blue-helmeted bears
I'm a Rabbi, dammit, not a scientist!
Cruel and unusual punishment
Dunk a Democrat at the GOP Picnic
It takes a village, stupid
If I wanted facts, I'd make them up myself
Sentimental about the shutdown
Slovodan Milosovich calling for Mike Reagan
Plus the bonus: Top 10 reasons why the 105th Congress will be better than the 104th

Reach out and harass someone: JANUARY 2: Republican talk radio hosts John Carlson and Kirby Wilbur give out the phone number of a progressive group planning to protest at Newt Gingrich's upcoming visit to Seattle. Carlson announces the group's phone number repeatedly over several days and urges his listeners to call and use their "First Amendment rights" to harass the organization and disrupt their protest planning.
: For example, on Jan 4, he encourages his listeners to call the group and "express your feelings! Don't bottle them up, let them out!". On Jan 5, Wilbur encourages his listeners to join a pro-Newt counter-demonstration, saying they can "help counteract the loony left", those "leftovers from the 60's, who inhaled but haven't exhaled yet".
: Perhaps Carlson and Wilbur were worried that protesters might infiltrate one of Newt's fund-raisers and challenge him to justify blunders like shutting down the federal government (twice!) because of an imagined slight by the President.
: Or perhaps their guilty consciences were worried about karmic payback, since they and their fellow talk radio hosts had earlier helped organize a loutish mob to pack a public forum where Hillary Rodham Clinton was speaking about health care. This mob then shouted down the First Lady and generally behaved like a bunch of yahoos - about what you would expect from right wing talk radio listeners. On Jan 9, Wilbur specifically invited this same mob to join the pro-Newt counter-demonstration, saying "if you were at the Hillary rally, you should be at this one".; Carlson's and Wilbur's shows are sponsored by Ford.
And I just buy Playboy for the articles: JANUARY 4: In response to a caller's complaint about convenience stores indiscriminantly handing out Winston cigarette branded merchandise to children, Republican talk radio host John Carlson asserts that "cigarette advertising exists only to get smokers to change brands, like from Camels to Winstons".
: That is, the ubiquitous Joe Camel cartoon character is not intended to recruit children into the ranks of the nicotine-addicted. Carlson further asserts that children actually start smoking because they see their grunge rock stars in Rolling Stone smoking or a character in "Friends" smoking.
: When the caller attempts to rebut these assertions, Carlson hangs up on him, calling him a "fanatical anti-smoking advocate who doesn't know when to shut up!"; Carlson's show is sponsored by Bartell Drug Stores.
Damning with faint praise: JANUARY 5: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur calls President Clinton a "draft dodger" and "traitor" for what he did during the Vietnam (undeclared) War. However, Wilbur says he does not believe the President is a murderer.; Wilbur's show is sponsored by The Spirit of Washington Murder Mystery Train.
Why talk when you can fight?: JANUARY 5: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur articulates his personal method of rational discourse on the political, social, religious, and moral issues he discusses on his show, saying "it's not just a debate at the Oxford debating society, it's a war!".
Dr. Kervorkian calling for Hugh Sprunt...: JANUARY 10: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin has Hugh Sprunt as a guest on the show. Sprunt, a self-styled "expert" on the death of Vincent Foster, explained why he has the necessary experience to investigate Foster's death.
: As a child, Sprunt helped his grandfather commit suicide with a similar handgun: a 38 caliber with a 4" barrel and using high-velocity ammunition. Sprunt helped his grandfather choose between two handguns to do the deed with, then went out of the room, closing the door behind him. When he heard his grandfather fire the shot that blew his brains out, he went back in the room and saw the blown-out brains and the blood pumping while his grandfather died.
: Based on this gory (and no doubt traumatic) experience, Sprunt says that Foster's death was "too clean" to be a suicide.
So What?: JANUARY 18: Limbaugh takes a sound clip of Rep. Henry Waxman saying "So what" and plays it out of context as the answer to several of his statements, such as:
Limbaugh: "My daughter just came home with cocaine from school!": "So what"
Limbaugh: "I'm going to blow second-hand smoke up your big ugly nostrils 'cuz I don't like you!": "So what".
: The bottom line? Limbaugh does use sound clips out of context, although he denies it.
Kinda like Crips and Bloods, huh?: FEBRUARY 2: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur informs his listeners that the difference between Nazis and Communists is "semantic and on the surface. Only the color of the uniforms was different". This as part of a proof that Nazis were/are left-wing.
Honey, where's my good white sheet? I'm late for my Elks meeting: FEBRUARY 16: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur interviews Larry Pratt of Pat Buchanan's presidential campaign. Wilbur sympathizes with Pratt, suggesting that for Pratt to attend a Randy Weaver support rally which included speakers from the Aryan Nations is actually quite innocuous - "like me going down to an Elk's meeting".
Limbaugh is such a big, fat, idiot of a target: MARCH 26: After complaining about Representative Henry "Nostrilitis" Waxman, Limbaugh justifies his trademark ad hominem attacks, saying it's ok to make fun of someone's physical attributes if you include something else to comment on.
So that's what "Be All That You Can Be" means: MARCH 28: Republican radio talk show host Michael Reagan says that American soldiers are paid so little that, when they are sent overseas, their wives have to become prostitutes in order to support their families.
He didn't think they took him so seriously...: APRIL 24: Republican talk radio host John Carlson's guest is Morris Dees, the head of the Southern Poverty Law Center, who has a new book out about the threat from militias. Carlson is in the uncharacteristic role of saying things are basically ok the way they are and that problems should be resolved via the democratic process.
: Carlson finds himself defending this rational, down to earth worldview from his listeners, the 2nd Amendment fundamentalists and "Freemen" wanna-bes, who swamp the phone lines to say that they are no longer free citizens in a free country and that revolution is the only course left to them. Carlson seems surprised that, after working so hard sowing distrust and discord, he's now reaping paranoia and alienation among his listeners.
The End of Civility As We Know It: APRIL 29: Limbaugh says that the "only person who can dishonor the Presidency is the President - I can't." This is intended to free him to use any slur he wants against the President.
Did his kid come home with a bad report card today?: MAY 1: Republican talk radio host Mike Reagan tells of schools teaching that students "should have two homosexual encounters before having a heterosexual one". Reagan neglects to name any such school, though. He goes on to say "there's nothing being taught in schools today" and "there's garbage being taught in school today". So which is it? Nothing or garbage?
Reach out and harass someone redux...: MAY 1: The AFL-CIO sponsors a radio ad encouraging people to use their toll-free 1-800 phone number to call regarding minimum wage legislation. Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur encourages his listeners to use that same 1-800 number to call their congressman. On May 3, Wilbur encourages his listeners to call the same number and talk about the health care bill.
She's an expert on the subject: MAY 6: "He [President Clinton] can lie without batting an eyelash" - Arianna "Rasputin" Huffington on Mike Reagan's talk radio show.
Hey, we all make mistakes our first week on the job: MAY 9: Limbaugh, keeping the conspiracy flames alive, says "She [Janet Reno] ordered that hit on Waco".
'Fess up, Carlson, you think she's cute, don'tcha?: JUNE 17: Republican talk radio host John Carlson complains about a previous caller, saying he "did what Jennifer James does - getting factual items 100 percent wrong and backwards". Carlson must really have a grudge against James, a New Age-ish author/columnist, going out of his way to drag her name in as an example of complete inaccuracy.
What about that awkward bit in the Constitution about "Cruel and Unusual"?: JUNE 19: Today's history trivia question on Kirby Wilbur's radio talk show is "Where were Julian and Ethel Rosenberg executed?". Wilbur enjoys this topic, saying he thinks they were executed in the gas chamber and that "I hope it took a good, long time" for them to die.
If I wanted facts, I'd make them up myself...: JULY 11: Limbaugh, defending the debunked claim in retired FBI Agent Gary Aldrich's book Unlimited Access that Bill and Hillary Clinton made a deal in 1992 where she would stick by him in return for power after the election, says: "It doesn't matter if Aldrich got it right or not - we all know something like that must have happened!"
The End of Civility As We Know It strikes again...: JULY 17: Republican talk radio host Mike Reagan, that paragon of civility, talks about "[Tom] Daschle's idiot boss, Ted Kennedy, who never walked past a bar he didn't like".
Just following orders...: JULY 19: The Wall Street Journal reports that the GOP had faxed a "talking points" memo rebutting the "Wither" commercial put out by the AFL-CIO to more than 1500 radio talk show hosts. Republican talk radio host Mike Reagan, never one to ignore a command from Republican headquarters, dutifully reads the memo on his show. He does not, however, inform his listeners that he's reading from a GOP script.
He prefers his women tall, like Jennifer James: AUGUST 1: Republican talk radio host John Carlson refers to "our half-a-senator Patty Murray", apparently a reference to the diminutive stature of the junior Senator from Washington State.
Sorry, I've got to stay home and cut my toenails: AUGUST 12: Republican talk radio hosts John Carlson and Michael Medved host a party at a local hotel to watch Bob Dole's acceptance speech.
I'm a talk radio host, dammit, not an economist!: AUGUST 26: Republican talk radio host John Carlson states that economic recoveries do not die, they have to be killed by "the government". Carlson says that without government interference, a recovery can go on and on, and on, and on...
Is someone is little insecure in their manhood?: AUGUST 26: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin says that the Republican national convention was characterized by "manliness", while the Democrats' was characterized by "wimpiness". He also says that the First Lady shouldn't be responsible for anything but "making the White House pretty".
Like Elvis didn't?: AUGUST 26: Republican talk radio host Michael Medved, broadcasting from the Democratic National Convention, ridicules a group petitioning to put John Belushi on a postage stamp, saying "he died of a drug overdose! (snicker)!".
Sorry, I've got to stay home and launder my money this weekend: AUGUST 26: Republican talk radio hosts John Carlson and Kirby Wilbur are Masters of Ceremony at last weekend's annual Republican Party Picnic, held at the horse ranch (each horse has a skylight in his stall) of multi-millionaire Thomas Stewart.
: Stewart's money (legal and illegal) supports a number of conservative mouthpieces, including John Carlson's Washington Institute for Policy Studies. Stewart sits on the board and provides office space at a reduced rate for the institute.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink: AUGUST 28: Kermit Wilbur maintains his credibility with the conspiracy crowd by talking about Vince Foster's "apparent or suspected suicide".
Sorry, I've got to stay home and mow the lawn: AUGUST 30: Kirby Wilbur reminds his listeners: "don't forget [to go to] Jennifer Dunn's (R-WA) Labor Day party!"
At least Gephardt didn't pass out checks from tobacco lobbyists on the House floor: AUGUST 30/31: Republican talk radio host John Carlson, still kinda defensive about the whole tobacco thing, says "Tobacco has given as much money to Democrats as Republicans."
And if you believe that, I've got a bridge for sale: AUGUST 30/31: Republican talk radio host John Carlson asserts that Reagan was only responsible for 30% of the never-before-seen-in-human-history deficits of the '80s. He says that Democrats with their social spending accounted for the other 70%.
Whaddya expect from one of those lifetime federal government employees?: SEPTEMBER 3: Republican talk radio host John Carlson has retired FBI agent Gary Aldrich, author of Unlimited Access, on his show. Aldrich says "I've done a lot of research on Hillary since I retired" and shares his findings, which are that the First Lady has a "leftist agenda" and a "Marxist/feminist agenda" and "helped free Black Panthers during summer work".
: He then puts Watergate, that criminal attempt to subvert the American democratic process, in context by saying "what happened at Watergate was a 3 to 4 - the Travel Office and FBI files are a 7-8" in severity.
son of The End of Civility As We Know It: SEPTEMBER 4: Making his contribution to the national debate on civility, Republican talk radio host Michael Medved says that the "Iraqi news media has as much credibility as the Democratic National Committee's statistics".
Substitute "Defense" for "Education" and I'd agree: SEPTEMBER 4: Republican talk radio host John Carlson says "you're pro-education if you want to spend more money, and an ideologue if you want to be more efficient or do things that don't cost more money".
Sorry, but I'm getting a root canal that day: SEPTEMBER 9: Republican talk radio hosts Kirby Wilbur and Mike Reagan host a fund-raiser for House freshman Randy Tate (R-WA), publicizing the fund-raiser on their respective shows. Even though Republican cash cow Thomas Stewart kicks in $4,500 (at least that's the legal contribution - who knows what other illegal contributions he made), Randy Tate later loses to a Democrat in the election.
Honey, where's my script from the GOP? Oh, it's coming in on the fax now...: SEPTEMBER 12: Mike Reagan says about President Clinton: "He can lie better than anyone" and "most of Clinton's [cabinet] team is in leg irons". Reagan also plays a collection of out-of-context sound clips of President Clinton giving various target dates for balancing the budget. This is the same collection of sound clips played at the Republican National Infomercial.
C'mon, what do you really think of President Clinton?: SEPTEMBER 19: Republican talk radio host Mike Medved says "I hate Bill Clinton and what he stands for as much as anyone...".
It's not what people don't know, it's what they know that ain't so: SEPTEMBER 19: Mike Reagan says "I know the UN has a plan for global gun control."
The return of - If I wanted facts, I'd make them up myself: SEPTEMBER 23: Limbaugh whines that President Clinton's declaration of the new Utah National Monument is a "federal landgrab from private property rights." That statement is totally fact-free: the land in question was federal land to start with (a tiny bit was state land). It was never private property.
It takes a village, stupid: SEPTEMBER 25: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin says "young boys who grow up with only a single mother become predators on society." He likes this statement so much, he repeats it several times. He also says that young girls who grow up with only a single mother become man-haters.
That explains why they picked Pat Buchanan for President: OCTOBER 7: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur asserts that 1/2 to 1/3 of the turnout at this year's county Republican conventions near Seattle said they were there due to talk radio.
Slovodan Milosovich calling for Mike Reagan...: OCTOBER 12: Republican talk radio host Mike Reagan shares his simple, yet effective idea for settling things in Bosnia: "we should ship them weapons, let them fight it out, and the last one left standing gets Bosnia".
So is doin' it doggie-style uncivilized?: NOVEMBER 4: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin asserts that "the basis of Judeo-Christian culture and manners is to behave in ways that differentiate humans from animals". He gives as examples of non-civilized behavior: combing one's hair in public like a baboon, scratching oneself in public like a dog, and allowing one's body to emit "strange" noises like an animal.
That's a pathetic analysis: NOVEMBER 3: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin makes a last-ditch attempt to legitimize Ellen Craswell, a ChristCo Republican and self-described "Christian radical", who lags far behind the moderate Democratic candidate in the race for Washington State Governor. Lapin says it's an "extraordinarily simple choice. How could anyone concerned about the welfare of the state vote for anyone but [Christian radical] Ellen Craswell?"
Reality: 2, Medved 0: NOVEMBER 4: Republican talk radio host and infallible political prognosticator Michael Medved refuses to call the election outcome because "it looks like a horse race right down to the wire for President and [Washington State] Governor."
: The Democratic candidates for President and Governor both win by landslides.
I'm a Rabbi, dammit, not a scientist!: NOVEMBER 11: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin announces that scientific studies published in the New England Journal of Medicine and The Lancet show that when patients are prayed for, even if they don't know about the prayers, they do better than other patients. He then challenges his listeners to explain this miraculous phenomenon.
: In reality, however, the "scientific studies" turn out to be opinion polls! (Hint for the home-schooled: opinion polls are not science.)
I'm glad that Ellen Craswell got cancer treatment at a publicly-funded hospital, but...: NOVEMBER 11: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin complains about paying taxes that go to pay for Medicare health care: "I'm glad Donna Shalala's mother got an artificial knee at a cost of $79,000. But I don't recall being asked to pay for it!"
Term limits only apply to Democrats: NOVEMBER 15: Kirby Wilbur tells House member Steve Largent (R-OK): "I don't want term limits as long as there are people like you in Congress."
If anyone's an expert on kooks and weirdos...: NOVEMBER 24: Limbaugh says "you wouldn't buy an electric car unless you're one of those kook weirdos who has to be the first one on the block."
That explains all those blue-helmeted bears: NOVEMBER 26: Mike Reagan says "the UN has been able to take over our National Parks."
This guy must like cruel and unusual punishments...: DECEMBER 9/10: Republican talk radio host Kirby Wilbur is indignant that a woman was arrested for cruelty to animals after she trapped several squirrels in her attic and then left them in the traps to die slowly of thirst and hunger. Wilbur explains that no cruelty could have occurred because squirrels are "pests - rats with a good publicity agent".
But aren't soldiers trained to kill, too?: DECEMBER 11: Mike Reagan justifies sexual harassment in the Army, because "[male] soldiers are trained to be desensitized to the harassment and abuse of women. So how can you expect [male] soldiers not to harass women?"
How historic can it be if Limbaugh slept there?: DECEMBER 16: Mike Reagan whines that the First Family auctions off nights spent in the White House and "doesn't look at the historic value of sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom".
Slovodan Milosovich calling for Mike Reagan...: DECEMBER 19: Mike Reagan says "I support the death penalty and I'm comfortable with innocent people being executed... After all, wasn't Jesus innocent? And wasn't he put to death?" He berates a caller who is squeamish about executing innocent people, saying "It's your guilt that makes you worry about an innocent person being put to death."
Junk Science, or, Ever try to pick up a puddle of water?: DECEMBER 22: Radio Rabbi Lapin's topic tonight is that "scientists" have abandoned the theory of evolution. The discussion veers into an absurdly distorted discussion of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, capped when Lapin asserts that an ice cube has no more "order" than water - "how can you say one has more order than the other? Water is held together with hydrogen bonds and ice by the crystalline bond."
Lapin should tell those Texaco executives that racism doesn't exist anymore: DECEMBER 23: Lapin's topic tonight is racism. He asserts that the United States has reached the goal of a color-blind society - "We're there!". He says that "liberals" are the only force keeping racism alive - it wouldn't exist otherwise. He explains that "liberals" are doing this so that they can stay in power.
If at first you don't succeed, change the subject: DECEMBER 23: After making one of his trademark absolute statements: "No representative of apartheid was allowed to speak at an American campus", Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin has that statement proved completely false by a caller who attended a talk at Florida State University with both pro- and anti-apartheid representatives from South Africa.
Would he have said the same thing about Dr. Salk?: DECEMBER 23: Radio Rabbi Lapin is unhappy with Time magazine's selection of Dr. Ho, the AIDS researcher largely responsible for the first effective anti-HIV treatment, as Man of the Year, saying "this is so crazy for this guy to be Time's Man of the Year... He hasn't accomplished anything yet" - "hasn't come up with anything decisive or practical". Lapin then explains how Dr. Ho was selected: "the cancer lobby is not as influential in the media as the homosexuals."
and the Foot In Mouth award goes to...: DECEMBER 24: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin, after apparently imbibing a little too freely of holiday cheer, decides that Christmas Eve, with its atmosphere of charity, hope, and forgiveness, is the perfect occasion to hand out "Darwin Awards" to people who accidentally killed themselves by doing stupid things.
Getting sentimental about the shutdown: DECEMBER 27: Republican talk radio host Michael Medved reminisces with a caller about Newt's government shutdown. They get weepy when they recall how they "felt camaraderie with my conservative friends when the government was shut down". They both agree that "closing down non-essential government was great!"
C'mon, what do you really think of Newt?: DECEMBER 27: Republican talk radio host Mike Medved says of Newt: "He's a man I love and admire...".
I hear Kathy Lee Gifford is hiring: DECEMBER 30: Radio Rabbi Dan Lapin says that the best thing for his 12-year old son right now - "what he needs" - is to go to work for a year or so for about $2/hour. Lapin complains that it's illegal for him, as a parent, to provide this necessary experience for his son.

Top 10 Reasons Why the 105th Congress Will Be Better Than the 104th

10. Big Baby Bob Dornan (R-CA) gets no more joy rides in fighter planes

9. Randy Tate (R-WA) leaves Congress a little sooner than he expected
8. GOP talk radio host Mike Reagan no longer an honorary member of Congress
7. Big Fat Idiot Rush Limbaugh no longer an honorary member of Congress
6. Contract With/On America has expired
5. No more "First 100 Days"
4. Newt Gingrich has a new title - "The Liar of the House"
3. 105th Congress hasn't shut down the government yet
2. 105th Congress hasn't shut down the government twice yet
1. President Clinton has the line item veto!

- 1996 Highlights - Who are these people? and Did they really say that?

Samples:

- 1996 Highlights -

Who are these people? and Did they really say that?